m.in.d.f.light.

where morality fails

2010-03-05T13:21:00.030-05:00

life tends to be an evolutionary tautology: that which survives and sustains itself (through fitness) is life, because life is, by definition, that which survives and sustains itself. unfit ("maladaptive") life-forms eventually cease to bear offspring and slip through the cracks, leaving mere echoes in nature's graveyard. dead men tell no tales they'd say, though tales may be told of dead men. the same theme applies to ideas and character traits, doubly so if these are of genetic origin. take morality and kindness, for instance.

imagine a utopia where everyone in the population is kind to one another: when one falls, another steps in to help him up; trust is not even a word in their vocabulary because distrust doesn't exist so they've never had to define it! now introduce one schemer, someone who acts intelligently towards (solely) his own interest. the schemer will eventually game the entire population and if they don't learn to game the schemer (by becoming schemers themselves), they will be overrun. at the same time, if everyone becomes a schemer the population system starts to fail because a lack of victims means that schemes no longer pay off. neither of these extremes are sustainable. the former requires an absolute blissful ignorance (not likely), the latter becomes chaos (likely to fail).

one would think then that life may go on if civilisation were to find a stable equilibrium, somewhere in between these extremes. one strategy might be to take the middle ground between morality and intelligence: you start off giving others the benefit of the doubt and treat them kindly, and reciprocate their reaction from then on. if they don't game you in response to your kindness, you trust them; if they game you, you game them back from then on. according the linked article, this middle ground between morality and intelligence, which lies very close to the heart of "fairness", is a golden rule for behaviour, in a game-theoretic way. but in life there are no golden rules. life's uncaring whims require a jeet kune do approach, a form of no forms and all forms whose roots lie in the golden paradox that "there are no golden rules." or as an older, wiser, less impulsive person might say: "even gold may erode with the ravages of time and circumstance."

it's not unwise to think that what should matter in determining the philosophy you apply to a situation is the totality of the situation at hand: all its specifics and all its context weighed together to devise the most efficient response. but efficiency is a dangerous word: it is always intelligent, but it may or may not be "moral". what happens when morality meets efficiency? can they be reconciled? what would be the essence of an efficient morality? we don't have to speculate, we can see it all around us: individuals banding together, exercising great kindness at local levels (family, friends, tribe, team, country) to advance their own cause but at the same time acting against the cause of others on a global level.

the truth is direct and simple: our own intelligence conspires with our circumstances to circumvent morality when it no longer yields a beneficial return. morality, it would seem, is situation-dependent. at some point it becomes un-scalable: the more people in a population, the harder it becomes to calculate an optimum solution for everyone and the easier it becomes to revert to self-interest.

our chosen philosophical oxymoron of the day, efficient morality, would exist perhaps on the verge just before morality fails (as an adaptive strategy to life). past that point lies a slippery slope to a cynic's pyrrhic wet dream: an ocean of schemers.

the point of failure cannot be manoeuvred solely by attempting to inculcate kindness in humans; a hungry man is an angry man. biological impulse wins that race by a mile. we can, however, attempt to control the conditions that destabilise the verge. that is, to balance our behaviours we must attack the circumstances that generate them. in boring physical terms this means we must balance the supply and demand for resources by 1) controlling population growth and 2) working on new technologies to better provide (food, energy) for the population. this sounds neither noble nor glamorous, but it is necessary. if it is true what the cynics say -that moral actions barely exist outside the forms of a façade, a conspicuous commodity exchanged for kudos in the modern world- then as populations continue to grow, putting pressure on resources and making it impossible to provide for everyone, it is not improbable that we as a civilisation are nearing a point where morality fails.

mindfulness: chew it over

2010-02-23T17:02:00.006-05:00

a monk once said that when you eat you should eat thoughtfully, without rushing. this way, not only can you enjoy all the subtle variations of tastes on your tongue, your body can more accurately assess its need for nutrition and you'll be less likely to overeat.

my own experience is that engaging other people is not unlike the process of a meal, where the food is the information of human intent or action (words for example). before reacting you should mull it around just for an extra second on the mind's palate. if it is bitter or scalding, with time and practice, you may learn to wash it down with something pleasant, or breath in air to cool it down, and avoid having to spit the whole thing out at the other person. of course, if you are constantly fed sour fruit, you should refrain from eating at that table altogether.

the superficial

2010-01-10T14:21:00.004-05:00

in an age where critical thinking is for the squares, i often find myself surrounded by circular reasoning. actually, that may not be the best title: "recursive idiocy" may be more apt a description. where do i see this phenomenon today? in the transmutation of words, which once had underlying meaning and context, to labels, now used for simplistic characterizations that are both highly efficient and grossly inaccurate under scrutiny. for example: someone becomes a celebrity simply for being well known, or something is called art because its creator calls himself an artist, or using the word negro on a census form creates an uproar just because a word with multiple contexts has one negative context. in this world of politically correct, contextually incorrect, labels a child growing up today might think that the statement "Check here if you are of Negro descent" is more cause for concern than "African-Americans are at greater risk of unfair sentencing in the penal system."

seraphim sayings from my novel to be

2009-11-24T15:04:00.001-05:00

such is the power of its grasp, that one cannot escape the throes of despair merely through meta-cognition. tis will alone, in its purest form, that saves a soul from the deepest pit of melancholy. tis will alone that draws it through the stifling ash of tragedy to the free air above.

sayisms

2009-10-27T21:41:00.004-05:00

give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and a bunch of feminists will complain about inequality.

a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single incident of domestic violence.

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush but nothing beats putting your tool in the tush.

a friend in need needs to pull himself up by his own god-damned bootstraps.

a picture is worth a thousand words, or 25 to life though she said she was 18.

a woman's work is never done. men are always hungry.

absence makes the heart grow fonder. abstinence makes the balls go blue.

all's fair in love and war. sorry about your std.

april showers bring may flowers, which we'll need for all those drowned in the accompanying floods.

some beats!

2009-10-07T15:47:00.001-05:00

headlines

2009-09-24T13:20:00.005-05:00

a UN delegate has proposed walkout practice to make leaving in disgust a more coordinated spectacle. "timing is everything!" said the delegate to AP news, "there's always that one guy who gets up too early, when the speaker is just warming up. sometimes we have a laugh at that but honestly this is the UN not amateur hour!"

"we also suffer the opposite problem," continued the delegate, "the slow pokes among us often fail to demonstrate their revulsion in time to prevent that one inevitable iota of substance from popping into the speech. it ruins the entire exit as it dampens the outrage we feel when the speaker has unleashed his second string of revolting statements about our actions in his third world country. ideally, we should be up and walking by the time it gets to be scathing or searing criticism."

deep throughts

2009-09-23T04:52:00.004-05:00

as a manly man i don't think men should drink with anything less than a double-barreled straw. viggo mortensen probably drinks with those.

lil wayne should show his lyrical prowess again by coming up with more fecal concept metaphors about how he is "the shit". then he can laugh at how clever he is in his own song.

kanye west is like the interrupting cow knock knock joke, except gayer.

stream of consciousness: ... , ! ? ; ' *

2009-09-09T18:09:00.003-05:00

my punctuation, marc'll punch your face in, pause /
pussies pacing, plus y'all paranoid because /
y'all push too far, played me hard so i launch attacks /
20 paces til i blaze these niggas on the tracks /
in many places, many faces fall, silent as my knights /
storm your castle, your rights are just, not worth my hassle /
i blast you, wage wars on ya cattle, herds topple like statues /
fight's over fast, long before the start of battle /
you expire like statutes, know your limitations, y'all /
imitation niggas claim the struggle of a black youth /
you lack truth, so imma attack you, i'm such the shit that /
when my niggas shot at, we say that life's a crap shoot <>

time waits for no man, tonnes on my fuckin mind /
pluck a trigger like a string, got a nigga duckin rhymes /
caref'ly wrapped this one joint in precious time, it's serious /
an mc's rap is on point, y'all niggas on your periods /
d-dot-dot, i buss shots, so you come to rest... /
lethal ellipsis on your chest, leaving you short of breath /
your shorties left, vegetative like a comatose patient /
life sentence: put on on hold by correct comma placement <>

*breathe*

we bring it loud like a beretta so you better run /
veterans with better guns, on and on, et cetera /
number one like Federer, why you start a racket? /
older gods at a hat'll, drop you hard from the bracket /
you lack it, the smooth operation of a criminal /
dash your hype when, hyphens crash your crew, into syllables /
you silly fools, your chords are no use, like umbilicals /
the ones that form a noose around the neckline of your physical /
my lyrics will, pierce your internals as you hold on /
for dear life: bleeding shit 'cause the semi buss your colon /
so cold on, autopsy metal tables where your bodies be /
i flow on, i own this, this's my apostrophe <>

headlines

2009-09-04T14:33:00.004-05:00

* torso-less, armless hipster wearing t-shirt "ironically"

* serta researchers develop revolutionary "minority-friendly mattresses" to relieve ethnic unrest

* whistle-blower claims "post-lunch lethargy at UN headquarters significantly decreases number of UN pledges"; vacuousness of the pledges remains unaffected

Death Panels: Why I am Pro Choice!

2009-09-03T11:26:00.003-05:00

I am more often than not pro-choice on the issue of fetus abortion. It occurred to me that, if fetuses have more intrinsic future value than old people, it would be intellectually untenable to be pro-life (anti-death-panel) with regard to the aged. Here I list some of the pro-choice arguments I found on the internet, as applied to abortion of old people.

* Nearly all abortions take place in the first trimester, when a fetus cannot exist independent of the mother. As it is attached by the placenta and umbilical cord, its health is dependent on her health, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside her womb.

Nearly all abortion take place on and after the 225th trimester, when an old person cannot exist independent of society. As it is attached by family means, social security and medicare funding, its health is dependent on society's wealth, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside society's umbrella of protection.

* The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs at conception, but fertilized eggs used for in vitro fertilization are also human lives and those not implanted are routinely thrown away. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs until death, and scientific studies have shown that nature routinely kills all humans that aren't dead by artificial means 100% of the time, no exceptions. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

* Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of women - 88% - who have an abortion do so in their first trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.5% risk of serious complications and do not affect a woman's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth.

Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of old people- 100% - who have an abortion do so in their last trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.0% risk of serious complications and do not affect an old person's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth, because he/she could not reproduce or survive anyway, and, furthermore, is now dead.

* Teenagers who become mothers have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave school; receive inadequate prenatal care; rely on public assistance to raise a child; develop health problems; or end up divorced.

Old people who become ill have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave life; receive inadequate geriatric care; rely on public assistance to raise themselves; develop even more health problems; or end up dead.

* Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome.

Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome, since the patients are now dead.

headlines

2009-08-28T16:39:00.002-05:00

area addict worried about the effects of rehabilitation on her crack-baby
/
area student one-ups resumes-padders: founds the National Association of Associations
/
area man mildly regrets decision to continue chewing gum while taking a shower
/

headlines

2009-08-13T14:48:00.004-05:00

a princeton sociology study has corroborated the existence of anti-knowledge culture in the hip hop industry. aptly titled "MCs act like they don't know" after the seminal KRS-One track, the report showed the results of a questionnaire that was carefully crafted to reflect the realities of urban life, of which, researchers assumed, the rapper recipients should be fully aware.

much to the authors' surprise, a mere 5% of recipients responded to the survey and of those received most entailed abstractions, obfuscations and quite often insinuations that the authors' wives and mothers were sleeping with the survey recipients.

"not a single response contained the answers we sought about life in the inner city," said study author Bob Wuthnow, "even though these rappers have, through their hip hop music, demonstrated specialized knowledge of several urban topics, from ghetto linguistics to allah's mathematics. at first, i thought that our survey had been sabotaged by a rival journal with whom we've had beef for quite some time now, but follow up calls to survey recipients confirmed nagging suspicions that most of the MCs were simply inclined to feign ignorance."

headlines

2009-08-10T16:46:00.007-05:00

black entrepreneurs invent side-sighted firearms; citing "paucity of supply catering to minority gangsta market"

area student inhales radioactive, genetically enhanced weed smoke; develops ability to finish all his roommate's remaining cereal in one go

aging rapper krs-one succumbs to alzheimer's, answers "the MC" to every question asked of him

stream of consciousness: isomorphism, recursion, paradox, infinity, formal systems

2009-06-15T00:17:00.001-05:00

i like to tinker with the tools for your thinking,
food for thought i just chew it up,
like fools for whom i pick and choose
the rules for hi jinks cuz
lower blows leave a stink
like rows of roses over those past the brink:
those for whom the pulse of doom got no kinks in
on stage they flat-line at my nines,
brighter lights flash like fire,
fight crews i don't blink at,
so glazed are my eyes all the time.
dehydrated,
i'm thirstier than drunkards
who at noon
they all but drool what they drink and
still fire,
bullet-grazed yet on point with the rhyme,
see me blaze up a joint on this line,
put bluntly:
you couldn't find an axe that could stump me,
you dull B,
my cypher's sicker smoke you like bud trees,
i'm hungry,
your tries to diss are witless though gutsy,
just trust me,
the rhymes will kick you right where them nuts be,
you're rusty,
your ammunition's awfully pointless,
pull a pistol:
bullet blitzkrieg that i hollowed the points in,
standard issue,
empty clips do, get switched,
i anoint with,
an ointment of hits
that explode like the shits
and damage tissue.
couldn't fathom how i'll atom split you,
mushroom cloud to move the crowd,
like after matter fission,
the aftermath's official,
my tricks are honed like razors,
some sticks and stones may break you
but my words be adage missiles, w'sup.

headlines

2009-06-12T05:36:00.002-05:00

area rapper consults timepiece, tells those niggas what time it is;

area penis passes out, wakes up with guy drawn on his head; completely oblivious

stream of consciousness: who's gonna save my soul now?

2009-06-03T21:29:00.007-05:00

wrote this on the beat of gnarls barkely's "who's gonna save my soul now?" which had previously escaped my ears. a wicked take from a male dumper's perspective. what you say gnarls? remix with ghostface killah?

~~~

we used to be the sun in the sky,
stars shining,
hearts bright and, enlightened,
but harsh nights encroached on,
to spite our warm summers day,
delight just alighted away,
faint approach of the cold upon love,
some will say,
creeps quiet beneath us,
the flesh rendered weakened,
what spirits unwilling won't speak of,
mired in our own latent struggles:
our feet,
tied up in our frustrated hustles:
our hands,
tired instruments,
unplayed by dead minstrels as we,
cry out in a drawn sluggish speech:
i love you...
baby i love you
bitch fuck you,
i love you, but fuck you.
you're selfish i'm selfish, it's ending,
what do we spend all this night's oil to see?
in the valley of our shadow,
some trees?
nothing grows above a barren soil,
these leaves underneath?
but the throes of a love devoid,
of life,
brightest day burned in vain,
to the darkest void of night,
blackest hole swallow fabric,
the space we both needed,
invaded then bleeded,
the contempt we breed, it was fated,
fam- il-i-ar-i-ty
changed things,
from charity to favors,
the vanity enslaved us,
renditions of our love were now labored,
and labelled, conditioned,
serenades became sermons on behavior,
false fables, fuck this shit...

stream of consciousness: hunter killers

2009-05-25T18:23:00.005-05:00

the mad nomad hopping stops bussin raps at earlobes, dropping bombs worldwide geo-tagging your globes, critic'lly thinking, kill em all, religious faggots in robes, priestly pillars pilloried for penny bagging the dope, rise the dealers, made a menace 'cause our tricks are all sleeveless, made a mess of crossing chests, saw it's not only the meekest, only the strong survive crap shoots the longest, guns rise, so fuck jesus, deuces wild so screwed am i while i play games with sharks eating, narcs cheating, packing shards-of-glass in crack-coated cards, see who dealt us, bluffed calls, out of options, zero deltas, money left us no shelter, discontent of cold winter sure teach us, many necessary evils of life -like strapping heaters disguised, and how to see through the lies what, beneath us are the tracks of deceit of, the acts of great speakers, at whom my gun-sights reveal weakness, "self-evident that all men are equals", i'll sneak up, security apparatus get shattered like beakers, i'll speak the TRUTH, that no man is born bullet-proof.

tigger's brother and white kid

2009-05-25T14:48:00.001-05:00

phdcomics

2009-05-21T18:50:00.001-05:00

area hip-hop stars clarify the aberrance of their actions

2009-05-14T14:48:00.001-05:00

the practice of rap clarification began towards the end of the popular R&B track "ignition" when singer R. Kelly made it unquestionably clear that even though he wouldn't usually do that his sound engineer could just this one time, for the benefit of the fawning listening public, break us off a little piece of the remix to the aforementioned track. continuing with this trend of hip-hop disclaimers, rap mogul Jay-Z proceeded to light up a joint to mellow out at the end of his shit on the track "do you wanna ride" after explicitly assuring the listener that his actions were also not in keeping with what he would usually do.

here's the graphite from my pencil, marry me

2009-05-13T01:53:00.003-05:00

just a reminder to all mis-informed ladies: diamonds are not worth what they make you believe. don't be caught by the price manipulation and marketing hype, unless you compare yourself to a mere piece of carbon. cuz you know, you're all truly such *complex* pieces of carbon that you should be treated with commensurate respect.

“If you don’t support the price,” Andrei V. Polyakov, a spokesman for Alrosa, said, “a diamond becomes a mere piece of carbon.”

stream of consciousness: bang bang 2.0 / nines over aces

2009-04-28T03:21:00.009-05:00

/...bang bang, she shot me down, bang bang, i hit the ground, bang bang, that awful sound, bang bang, my baby shot me down... /

here's another story from the house that rhymes built, a song about my guilt, the blows that i've dealt, the writing's on the wall, i put the letters in the bricks and mortar, nothing better than these licks i offer, i'll toss ya with the timing of a high kick, and strike it so you fall, wet like water... hell or high, author i, meant this to torture, your silence says it all, dumbstruck, numbed up, til you scream like there's awesome, lightning and thunder in your head, mad frightening like the monster metaphors under your bed, felt my black belt tighten... all around your necks like pelts, noose hooked, goose cooked, what's for dinner, as you enter my thirty sixth chamber, danger, targets strictly aimed for, the best of my dirty tricks, stranger, charmed ya, the quirkiest, flavor, quark spin so ill the sickest truth couldn't save ya, but what don't kill just, might send thrills up, the spine, bussed nines send chills up the spineless, bite dust, the light prince's mic skill's divine, so he might kill righteous, or maybe he might just, divy up the dumb, deaf and blind, here is liar's poker, of the wisecracking joker's design, straightened faces that hide pairs of aces behind, walk a line twenty paces then show off the nines, fully house, bang bang.

stream of consciousness: mad scientist 2.0

2009-04-27T02:40:00.006-05:00

let's start this, some darts are too sharp to eject, so i might save mine for later, pass time, create wine, to inebriate, a drunkard's thoughts too hard to dissect, i reflect, waves of light off the mirror of the mind, like mines i'm an improvised, explosive device, dots too far to connect? fuck straight lines, i'm space-time, the fabric bender, language blender, rap defender, stitch one to save nine, then i'll spit game like ender, i rattle fools in battle school, be flowing hanging G's, sling a razor sharp laser armed in zero gravity, pain will make you glad to see, dirt naps and diatribes, coffins dropped and doors are knocked on, death raps, it's genocide, when i rhyme the nines applaud, guns clap for clever lines, like every time, liquid swords chop and sever ties, off of necks strangled by killer hives, and vocal chords surrounded, hope is lost and bodies hit the ground when, i'm become death, destroyer of worlds, i'm toying with words, ploys in reverse: molehills out of mountains, i kid perhaps but i'm not clowning, though i smiled for that one, if i'm wild i'll crack one, put a nine to your back son, i'll blast you with a piece of mine, such a real delight, just to give you peace of mind, a master of disaster, rhyme blaster sparked, genius bright, i seen darkness unseen like night, travel faster then the speed of light, i'm bert einstein's hip hop heir, dropping bombs like it's E = MC squared, leave no emcee spared...

stream of consciousness: bang bang / the anarchists / song for nancy

2009-04-19T15:03:00.010-05:00

[[ lyrics written to rza's (nancy sinatra) bang bang remix, vocals intended for Masta Killa ]]

~~~

i been silent for a while observing, pub- servants, -lic servings, off my plate, dictates from, suburban high society, the projects should be rioting, their planning, the Man's in, vis'ble hands quietly, out to rob us urbans, so mindfully, i keep, the flames alight fanning, rigged games much like manning paid tonnes of bribes, hands in, crazy money maddened insaner ones, rhymes dropped liked dimes, hits ordered, sight lines, clips dusted, never rusted nickel plates, or chrome or silver polished, young homes often offed in close quarters, backs kicked, facts flipped, bucks are passed, much amassed, fuck the past, time's spent quietly as a convict's, i'm quite convinced that all their halls of justice, just involve con kings, drama queens, aced up sleeves, and some overblown courts of jesters, marcus guilty? yes, please, this and then some, monochrome thought suggesters, get hanged, bang bang, deadly melodies, as such the master's enemy, i add a touch of class from the A-2-1 felonies, the crime-iest, the shiniest designs like the Midas's, Osiris built the pyramids then lined 'em all with mines, the maddest machiavellian, might just pack a toolie then, introduce the violence in the rhyme without a reason, see weakness through the iris of the mind, unrefined, you will find that which is spit from the speakers unsweetened, awful sounds like slaughter all but drowned and coughed up like water, thick like hawked up phlegm, but thinner than my blood, thirsty hounds you'll be the feed to, pounds are lethal, bleed you, holier than thou the dirty metal rounds'll leave you, all spun around and mad see through, rotten bodies coff'ed up in the ground, bang bang, something loud nothing fancy, no frills, sample nancy, Rza's killers up the ante, christ.I.AM, shut 'em down with the skills...
~~~

the spy who came in from the cold

2009-04-17T21:49:00.000-05:00

"And to a point I am flattered that my fabulations are taken so seriously. Yet I also despise myself in the fake role of guru, since it bears no relation to who I am or what I do. Artists, in my experience, have very little centre. They fake. They are not the real thing. They are spies. I am no exception."

headlines

2009-04-16T20:50:00.003-05:00

recent studies show that crybabies are indirectly beneficial to society through blubbering self-identification, thus aiding in their preclusion from positions of leadership...

stream of consciousness: somebody help me! i'm warring and i can't get stopped!

2009-04-02T18:28:00.007-05:00

what will you sucker mc's do when i've used up this rhyme shit, outta time, you better sharpen your teeth to start biting, my lines while i'm just baiting y'all niggaz, fit for a fight and, you start a TRADE in MARC's lyrics, fuck it i'll COP You a RIGHT hand, you see this Marc? he's just, PRO, with the lyrics? prolific, terrific prose with it, prose-wiki-wick-iz-icked. prose whiz kid, PRONE, to rip shit, DOWN, you clowns get, blown, leave your whole kit PRONE... now you all aLONE and you busted, so rewind this rhyme, which i bussed kid, just to under stand what i just did, over ya head, this is lyrical justice, snap, ooooooh! now look how you OWNED!

stream of consciousness: pick a number between her legs and her thighs

2009-04-02T17:44:00.007-05:00

i saw her just that one time, we connected for a second, when she beckoned, I, reckoned it was ON, like a DIME, that was turned into a 10, of new pennies for her thoughts which though she said she had plenty they could never be bought, i took this harsh but stood on guard such that i wouldn't be caught, i laughed it off cuz after all i'd score the clever retort: said, "every princess has a price, and every prince has a vice, and everything nice can be purchased, like sugar or spice." a wavered smile prefaced her chuckle, buckled knees held her thighs, i knew that time was of the essence, count my blessings, high five but fore-most on her mind: a number i could get in three tries, so she would be mine, and i's inclined to guess 69, and though i meant that figur-atively, she put her figure eight on me, and seven minutes later i saw heaven in her face and heavy breathing mist the place up, picture perfect, pierced her lace-up, missus squirming, words to say: none, sun was rising on her day's, horizon panorama's gaze, from fertile soils to crescent bays, no trouble toiled at all just play, -ful bubbles boiling from the sways, i'm rubbing oil in her olays, the lust was just carried away, the lust was just carried away, the lust just was carried away...

... from the small of her back, bends of her belly, depths of her valleys, right to my neck of the woods. hahahahaha. suck on that.

stream of consciousness: the bad seed / 616 / mark of the beats

2009-03-31T02:45:00.007-05:00

let him that understands count the numbers in the belly of my beast, at the very least, the number of the Man / written to his beats, heard him speak from the 16th chamber, times-6 centuries, add it, danger / stranger, i'm none to violence nor to silence, an angered emcee strangler, known to rhyme blitz / dangler, of your conversation, cliff hanger ya, complex fable of my god complex / -phone checks, this is micro-, scopic, detail, tho it might go off topic it might sell / retail she sells seashells, but then she sails off-the-charts just to top it, haha marc STOP it! / just because you got darts sharpened, and your young heart's hardened, don't mean you pardoned / bitch i beg your pardon! it's just i got this hard on, to prose-create, so don't emasculate, me else you might be late / and i might be late with my payments. why don't you take this milk for yo shake bitch? / i like to say "bitch", write rhymes for rapists, come get your hate mixed, Oh my gOsh! it's, just that i lost it all when my heart frosted, now i don't flake bitch! i'll up the stakes bitch so you just wait ...

[*waits for beat to reset* ]

... i heard you suckin snakes with em fuckin jakes, hope your duck gets draked, leave you duct in tape, stuck in place, ra-tat-tat... duckin weight / drowned in lakes, wearing concrete blocks by manolo, blahnik feet locks or... some-other shoe-homo / shew! i'm glad i don't home own, all up in your crisis, listening to you cry, shiiit sound just like hormones / or ho moans, weeping and gnashing of teeth, my bitch got rash and disease, yet still i creep it / or sleep with (big up to biggie smalls) what you're not bleeding? bun in the honey oven, not sure if i seeded? / please won't you keep it? i'm quick to ask that cuz i'm quick to blast that, dirty bastard, and put him in the cutest casket...

~~~
[free association, written to the beat of the 16th chamber instrumental... for an ODB vocal]

the sexist scientist

2009-03-30T21:08:00.009-05:00

did you know that (1) women's shopping sprees can be linked to their periods? and (2) a good spanking may make you closer to your spouse? this may help explain why women who live together buy the same overpriced handbags and why rihanna still loves chris brown.

~~~

a tangential note: at the most fertile points of the menstrual cycle (prior to and around ovulation) women tend to have "more feminine" or higher pitched voices and are more attracted to rudebwoys. so guys, listen closely for those frequency cues, flirt aggressively, and send her off to the mall with a pat on the butt. if it's a really heavy flow, make it an outlet mall.

~~~

also, i'm pretty sure science will one day prove kanye west is the biggest battybwoy i've ever seen. first clue: he calls himself the "louis vuitton don".

my take on mavado "so special"

2009-03-29T20:06:00.003-05:00

but jaaaaah /
mih too special, i'm so special so special so special /
yuh av dub fi sale but yuh fail, it on special /
mih get gun retail den regale dem wit special //

gyangstaaaah /
fi get some gun metal, get gun metal gun metal gun metal /
nah trust no one, and mih nah rust gun metal /
shot buss fi fun, blood fi run from gun metal //

four staaar /
fi lock down dub session, down dub session dub session dub session /
forward fi come, crowd ah people dub session /
coward fi done, now mih breeze through dub session //

blood claaaat /
fi know dis dread reckon, dis dread reckon dread reckon dread reckon /
bare boom riddim, soon fi him fi get wreck on /
bare tune fi dem, tomb fi dem, jah jah beckon //

mih just daaaaamn /
way too special, too special too special too special //

the dragon

2009-03-27T17:44:00.003-05:00

for others who might be interested in the real world run by the men in the shadows of power, a department of defense report on china's military strength [pdf].

stream of consciousness

2009-03-27T02:15:00.008-05:00

your mind is a virgin's own / mine's a mad surgeon's / the hymen's the eardrum / tear one pop a verse in / the mic's on / i'm cursin' on rhymes / flow is surgin' / the timing, momentum / peers none / that i'm certain // of , fuck your whirlwind! / i sow wind and girlfriends / get blown / bullets burstin' (BLAAOWWW!) / now you soul searchin' / life signs / does it hurt when / felled flat by these word stings / i buss chests through vests / pierce 'n' flat-line steve irwins // too soon? / i'm just irkin' ya / just lurking for new wounds / or working them angles / so i can wrangle a few coons / i meant COINS / my wit is rare / exquisite like blue moons / once inna / word spin-i / wreck shizit like loo- toons // w'sup doc? / you seem mighty goosed / so i'll roast it / pun cocked i got words to let loose / rhymes unholstered / i'm coastin' / salud! / let's just toast this / here hold this / shot of liquor / behold this! / gun salute got you froze- / shiiiit // i'm golden / weight holding / truth be told / i'm emboldened / shots fi lick off / mih jus add two line deya / cah mih tick' off! /

brrrAAh-brrrrAAh! //

headlines

2009-03-16T14:39:00.001-05:00

a "genocidal" increase in abortions 10-15 years ago may be responsible for the substantial decrease in the number of children molested by priests, vatican report shows //

conmen "livid with rage" after alleged ponzi scheme turns out to be a sound investment //

jim cramer puts jon stewart in the hot seat for "talking up books" on his show even thought stewart knew the authors were "[boring as fuck] intellectual scoundrels" //

headlines

2009-03-04T22:14:00.002-05:00

gordon brown says US-UK bond "unbreakable"; US and UK bonds however still intrinsically worthless

hooker with a heart of gold succumbs to heavy metal poisoning

r&b crooner chris brown calls 911 after girlfriend rihanna allegedly assaults him with a rendition of "umbrella"

headlines

2009-02-19T14:16:00.002-05:00

quarterly results show that the nascent food rental business is failing

traders speak out: "government absolutely horrible at managing" the toxic financial assets produced by banks

rudeboys sue elementary schools for unsanctioned use of the numbers 38 and 45

celebrity nipple slip caught on camera during surgery for late stage breast cancer

Bill Clinton, JFK.... and Me??

2009-02-10T02:22:00.005-05:00

so i stumbled upon this picture of Bill Clinton shaking hands with JFK back in the day. then i noticed someone else eerily familiar-looking in the picture. apparently it is my destiny to become a time traveler.

headlines

2009-02-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

in a snarky response to the sole disruption of his lecture at Cambridge University, Chinese premier Wen Jiabao threw a shoe factory at an unruly protester. the ensuing opprobrium could be heard all the way to the T4 movie set where it distracted actor Christian Bale, who then beat a hapless cast member to death with his penis.

Bale VS O'Reilly

2009-02-04T09:08:00.006-05:00

courtesy here.

headlines

2009-01-29T23:00:00.007-05:00

Madoff financial scandal proves once again that Jews are good at building pyramids

Markets continue to efficiently allocate social unrest across the global economy

Bull Shit Incorporated posted its first loss in 25 yrs on insider information that what it was selling was bullshit. the news also roiled shareholders at BSI's parent company, the world's largest fan-maker

Whores nationwide concerned about what rapid deflation would do to hourly wages

deep throughts

2009-01-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

people always say "all you need is love!" but sometimes i need other things, like a hole punch, or some twine. this goes to show that people are not in touch with reality.

comics: cyanide & happiness

2008-12-31T14:48:00.001-05:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

comics: cyanide & happiness

2008-12-30T18:46:00.002-05:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

movies

2008-12-27T04:30:00.004-05:00

so some heavy "seven pounds." i don't mind the whole will smith messianic self-sacrifice thing. i'm not a hater. i did feel the pangs of emotions the writers intended. but will you need to be a little more subtle with those contorted expressions of pain... depression does not manifest as constipation.

"zack and miri" was mostly delightful because i almost always love seth rogen's delivery and have a crush on elizabeth banks. however it became way too cheesy way too fast.

"definitely, maybe" was palatably bitter-sweet, with ryan reynolds' matured-van-wilder type quips and tonnes of eye candy as his romantic interests. tonnes of eye candy. and also a respectably cute father-daughter back and forth.

"the day the earth stood still" was kinda wooden. i didn't connect with the characters at all, except for the part where jennifer connelly hid her phone down her shirt. the robot is off the chain though. and i still like keanu reeves... whatever he does, the stoic expressionless face thing, no one else can do, and there is a niche for that in my movie demands.

i keep playing the "watchmen" trailer on repeat. coolest trailer out right now. i especially like how they mashed up the muse song with the slow mo.

oh. and there's a little movie called terminator coming in may. i'm just a tad bit excited about that.

phase transitions in society

2008-12-18T19:51:00.005-05:00

in our universe changes in physical state variables such as pressure or temperature manifest as changes in the organization of matter. if water molecules gain enough energy they break free of the forces that bind them together in one phase (solid or liquid) and the system can change into something with appreciably different characteristics (liquid or gas).

human society can change in ways similar to matter. people are the atoms and molecules and insecurity (about survival or comfort) is the energy that agitates the system. the phase map would be a spectrum spanned by varying degrees of civilization: from war and anarchy to peace and utopia. the civilization we know lies at an equilibrium somewhere between those extremes.

as such, the civilization we know is a system sustained mainly by our sense of security. put less gently, it is an illusion fed by unthreatened resources. history teaches us that under the right conditions phase transitions of society to a more agitated state can happen quite unexpectedly, with complete disregard for the denial of those at the critical point who continue to employ the conventional wisdom of a different phase.

it should be the duty of responsible citizenry to think about the trends in society's state variables (the security of food, energy, shelter, wealth & income, opportunity...) long before we get to the precipice of a painful transition. obvious perhaps but we humans need to be reminded of this since we are subject to the whims of optimistic bias and often avoid critical examination of risk possibilities that may be extreme but are neither implausible nor fantastical.

it would not hurt to emulate a military mind's attitudes to preparedness:

"... prudent net and risk assessment of (1) the myriad waypoints along dangerous trend lines; (2) the sudden or unanticipated arrival at the end of the same trends; and finally, (3) rapid onset of the rarer “Black Swan” are increasingly important...

... Preemptive examination of the most plausible “known unknowns” represents a reasoned down payment on strategic preparedness and an essential defense investment in strategic hedging against an uncertain and dangerous future."

as a tangent note the following excerpt from the same paper linked above. interesting.

"Widespread civil violence inside the United States would force the defense establishment to reorient priorities in extremis to defend basic domestic order and human security. Deliberate employment of weapons of mass destruction or other catastrophic capabilities, unforeseen economic collapse, loss of functioning political and legal order, purposeful domestic resistance or insurgency, pervasive public health emergencies, and catastrophic natural and human disasters are all paths to disruptive domestic shock.

An American government and defense establishment lulled into complacency by a long-secure domestic order would be forced to rapidly divest some or most external security commitments in order to address rapidly expanding human insecurity at home."

career options

2008-12-18T01:36:00.003-05:00

economy and work permission issues considered, there may need to be changes to my career plans. here are my initial search results:

1) patriarchitect:

role requires at least one testicle. familiarity with female subjection as well as objectification a plus.

2) lead tester/ chinese toy licker:

position requires tongue, currently working immune system. does not include medical benefits.

3) professional sadist:

positions include the barbwire twist, the wheelbarrow, the lizard lock.

4) economist:

role requires strong opinions about stuff, inability to get into math phd program.

shoe assassin fails to kill bush

2008-12-14T19:28:00.001-05:00

props to W for mad dodging ability

headlines

2008-12-11T20:21:00.003-05:00

president-elect obama's former janitor arrested for putting obama's office chair on ebay

contrary to stated intentions, pop star britney spears falls for womanizing bastard

christian bale to play elizabeth bennet in "darker, grimier" reboot of pride and prejudice

deep throughts: christmas

2008-12-06T18:09:00.004-05:00

some people say "it's not the gift, it's the thought." but i say both the gift AND the thought should be worth something. that's why, honey, this christmas i'm gonna get you that abortion.

the mainstream media made fun of sarah palin for shooting moose from a helicopter, as if hunting from a helicopter is strange. what they didn't realize was that it made COMPLETE sense because she was actually hunting reindeer.

i think society should be consistent when re-dedicating holidays. christmas to xmas. indian arrival day to arrival day. hanukkah to jews-are-the-cause-of-all-wars.

good heavens

2008-12-03T14:15:00.007-05:00

the conjunction of jupiter and venus, with a sliver of moon on the side.
i was able to see it myself from jersey at night. this photo, courtesy NASA.

religious fervor causes fatal stampede

2008-11-28T19:55:00.005-05:00

tragedy almost soured the celebration of "Black Friday" as a servant at the Long Island temple of Mammon was crushed and killed by an onslaught of zealous worshipers. the 34-yr old martyr had barely opened the temple doors when surging throngs of believers trampled him in their frantic search for heavenly discounted blessings. as the unidentified victim lay gasping for air some in the crowd were drawn to tears, staring in disbelief at hastily emptied shelves, while others voiced their anguish at the horrific scene: "i've been waiting here since 2am and i still didn't get the Hannah Montana tampons my daughter prayed for!" said one Long Island matron. services will be held next weekend with prices further slashed to honor the fallen.

area terrorist sympathetic over financial troubles

2008-11-25T18:00:00.012-05:00

veteran guantanamo inmate hamza rafiq is toning down his anti-american vitriol "until american economy recovers". notorious for his unrelenting hatred of all things western -it is rumored he could repeatedly gurgle "death to america!" underwater during enhanced interrogation techniques- rafiq announced his radical change of heart last friday.

MDF: "why are you softening your tone on jihad?"

HR: "the guards let me watch some fox news last week and i saw that credit crisis has really hurt america, even beyond my own dreams. allah be praised at first i was so happy! but i kept watching and, man, everyone on tv is, like, so stressed. i began maybe feel sorry for them. they're worried about jobs, they're worried about how pay medical bills next month, they're worried about kids' college tuition."

[shoots me a look of mild bewilderment.]

"they're so worried they vote for, how you say, hip-hop boogie-woogie american!"

MDF: "so does this mean you don't want to kill infidels anymore?"

HR: "also guards let me watch 30 rock which is abomination. i like alec the baldwin. he put liz the lemon in her place."

[adopts mocking tone]

""ooojh... i'm liz the lemon, i am soo quirky but also sexy. i make infidel jokes and inspire attractive woman be president"... but you ask good question. why i stop say "death to america"? this recession, it existential crisis for americans, look at markets... it, how you say uh, dynamic disequilibrium in english? this is fate... this is fate much worse than the death. i would not wish it on my worst enemy! not even on the greatest of satans!"

MDF: "wow. so i guess, while americans are going through a crisis of confidence, you are going through a crisis of... conscience?"

HR: "hhha. are you try make witty poignant banter for your report, mr reporter? i can make joke if you want. financial system... it crash because it like ponzi scheme. run by, how you say, the con men, so is indeed crisis of... confidence. hhha. it funny because is pun as well as true... that one kills in solitary. hhha hhha hhallalalalalallah."

[pauses to recover from islamic laughing fit]

"i kid too much. that help me pass time here... what i was saying... oh yes, i saw dow jones fall. faster than towers. mr fed paulson was on his knees even. looked like he was begging allah for mercy. i cannot kick an infidel when he is down like this. i'm sure scripture forbids it."

MDF: "interesting. so has this changed in anyway your interaction with the guards here?"

HR: "well, you know, i try understand what they go through. when i was boy in kabul there was no jobs. only fight the infidel soviets and play with goat... goat better friend than woman you know, always tight, like first time every time.... so i empathize with guards here. their home get a foreclosed. their 401k go bust. they have no goat. of course they angry. so i be nice to them. sometimes on bad day they come threat me say will shit on quran and i say "hey! it's ok... it's ok... it's gonna be ok..." and i try hug him but he punch me in face. but i look in eye and i know he appreciate it."

MDF: "maybe he thinks you're playing games with him. turning the tables on his despair."

HR: "i don't have table. i eat on floor over there.... that spot is dining room. only problem is right next to toilet, that other spot on floor there. guard laugh say "saddam, don't shit where you eat!" i no understand. i have small space. have to optimize."

MDF: "so do you think things will get better for america? you have an opinion on the crisis so you must be an expert. how can we fix it? and if we do, will you return to your jihad?"

HR: "i dunno. it look pretty bad. will take long time fix. they need fatwa on certain asset security, but they afraid much regulation, yes? maybe need some kind of clearinghouse on over-counter products and too, fix incentive structure... not reward unrealized future payoff with big bonus in present. see, i think about this problems. i have two minds of this. expert on bloomberg tv say "moral hazard" bad but i say if it moral why stop it? anyway, if that make things better. then i start jihad again. maybe i blow up new clearinghouse."

MDF: "other inmates say that this is all a facade. that you've just been worn down by torture and you just don't have the will anymore. is there anything that would convince you to keep fighting?"

HR: "maybe uh, more virgin. maybe 82 or 92. and goat."

MDF: "thank you for your time mr rafiq."

stickman meets hangman

2008-11-15T17:05:00.001-05:00

stickman meets paul rudd

2008-11-15T02:41:00.002-05:00

area longhorn's career ruined by facebook

2008-11-15T01:01:00.006-05:00

excerpts from Houston Chronicle:

No longer a member of the Texas football team, Buck Burnette serves as a lesson about being careful with material put on personal Web pages...

In the status update section of his Facebook page, Burnette posted, “All the hunters gather up, we have a nigger in the White House,” in reference to Obama’s becoming the first African-American elected to the presidency. Burnette said the comment was a text message he received from a friend and that he exercised bad judgment posting it on his page...

“That stuff will get you in trouble,” said Texas defensive end Brian Orakpo, a senior from Lamar High School. “Our main thing is to stay low-key and not put your business on the Internet where everybody can see.”...

Facebook, which made its debut in 2004, has more than 120 million active users, according to the Web site of the Palo Alto, Calif.-based company. “This day and age, they just live on that stuff,” Chizik said. “We just try and educate them on the evils of it.”

our kids are at risk! social networking lurks around every corner, its big lips salivating at the prospect of telling the world what our kids are thinking. keep your children offline! fight the social rot that is exposing our great nation to its moral rot!

deep throughts

2008-11-04T18:49:00.003-05:00

i'm the kind of guy who don't follow nobodys rule's, be they about grammar or society's idea of commitment in love and relationships. i'm a free spirit; when i have sex i want it No Strings Attached. this is the primary reason i don't fuck puppets.

when you think about it, you always find skeletons in the closet. so for all intents and purposes skeletons are queer. yet still modern movies don't accurately portray this.

i don't get that old joke about the two nuns taking a bath where one says "where's the soap?" and the other replies "it does. doesn't it?" here is my funnier version. two nuns are taking a bath. the first nun says, "where's the soap?" the second one replies, "in my vagina." haha, it's funny because it's true.

the first commandment

2008-11-03T16:01:00.003-05:00

dogma is almost always an unfortunate thing. i say almost always because 1) adherence to the dogma of human survival is what allows us to have this discussion in the first place and 2) there possibly exists a dogma of being non-dogmatic that would disprove an absolutist view of dogma anyway.

the tragedy that unfolds in human discourse is that critics of one dogma usually possess some other strict set of prescriptive beliefs and those that are non-dogmatic are usually less vocal and thus less effective in shaping the discourse. discourse is then reduced to often impractical dichotomies and society is left subject to the pendulous whims of the resultant power struggle.

who is right? who is wrong? are there any absolutes we can use as self-evident frames of reference? it is hard enough to find absolutes in the process of observation in the physical universe so it will be even harder to find such absolutes in the realm of moral prescription for thinking/reactive self-interested human agents. (my opinion: morality-based-existence has become an intractable optimization problem given the size of earth's human population and finiteness of resources technologically available to us. translation: "every man for himself, unless we find a way to harness illimitable energy and sustenance without harming others.")

i will propose though that in the midst of our uncertainty we use as our basic self-evident truth the tautology i introduced earlier. human beings can only carry on this discussion if we continue to survive. this is common sense but we need to be reminded of it. all attempted codification of morals must positively feedback into long term human survival if we are to come up with solutions to the problems we face.

election headlines

2008-11-03T15:16:00.006-05:00

"[fox] reports, [viewers] decide" web page shows

McCain tells John the Banker he would like to "concentrate the wealth" around

area man's thoughts about election interrupted by Salma Hayek's enormous breasts

Salma Hayek's breasts bigger than ever, google search reveals

area office worker's Alt-Tab escape manoeuvre backfires as no non-porn windows open at the time

captions

2008-11-01T10:56:00.004-05:00

golden calf provides answers to faltering economy

deep throughts: a poem from my local political action commitee

2008-10-30T01:37:00.003-05:00

so touching... spread the word!

America is at a crossroads; the
Stakes are high; the
Situation is tough. but
America is strong; and her
Strength comes from her
Solidarity.
In times that test, the darkest
Nights are just before the dawn.
America will fight. America will
Triumph. She will soar as an
Eagle.

Overlooking the land.
Bold,
And daunted not.
May God bless her.
America the strong.

HSBC ad campaign

2008-10-28T16:14:00.005-05:00

have you seen the HSBC "different values" ad campaign? the punchline is:

"Different values make the world a richer place."

(because banks and market values have NOT. heh.)

their local rural bank competitors delivered a timely ad riposte though:

"Stereotyping saves US time and YOU money. When darker times get you down, we shine a light in its face. Bank of Real America. We're white there with ya."

deep throughts: Fernandes reviews Cronenberg

2008-10-26T14:03:00.004-05:00

A Future of Violence, director David Cronenberg's long unanticipated prequel to face-breaking epic 'A History of Violence' will succeed where the first failed. whereas AHOV revolves around the unmerciful pigeons of thug-turned-niceguy Tom Stall coming home to roost in the quieter post-murderous moments of his life, AFOV delves mainly into the pubescent years of the main character. Stall's future penchant for violence is ominously foreshadowed by the turbulence of his battles with hormonal changes and intolerant parents.

"I hate you!" shouts a young Stall at his mother for no apparent reason other than dissatisfaction with his slow physical maturity, " And I'm purposefully repressing this anger so that it will surface sometime in young adulthood, mom!" amidst the overwhelmingly poignant and daring non-acceleration of the plot, intermittent but carefully timed outbursts like these are what show Cronenberg's deft handling of the tension, the calm-vs-rage duality, that was way too subtle in his previous effort. furthermore Cronenberg adds complexity to his heavy-hearted protagonist, drawing parallels to AHOV's inspired 69 scene, with a tender flashback to a young Stall, tears flowing freely, discovering masturbation.

A Future of Violence is sure to leave a previously dissatisfied audience with the sense of closure it clamors for. it will be in limited release soon.

headlines

2008-10-20T23:03:00.003-05:00

billionaire Warren Buffett advises investors to "buy American", forgets to say where to borrow from

Joe the Plumber reportedly "very concerned" about losing work to Jose the Job-Americans-Didn't-Want-To-Do-er

'The Strangers' unrated cut somewhat longer than rated cut, critics rave

what irks me

2008-10-19T13:23:00.006-05:00

so iceland is pretty much fucked as no one wants their currency, the krona. time for them to learn how to live off the land... they should shoot the few bank(er)s that put them in that position. but what's really bothering me are the reports about "pakistan's crumbling economy". economic collapse + global credit freeze + political instability + anti-american sentiment (for raids and drone bombings) + nuclear weapons != rainbows and unicorns. anyone still talking about iraq is slow. i hope obama/mccain knows he has to be prepared for failed state scenarios in pakistan.

also, even as a non-citizen living in the new york area i take umbrage to the claim to "real American"-ness by small-towners. how self-righteous can you be? do you know how i know you're not as American as you think you are? your small town has never attracted a REAL terrorist attack. remember where 9/11 took place? NYC took the hit because NYC is the America that the terrorists you so fear love to hate. big city "elitists" been keeping it real since keeping it real was possible. so small towns, stop frontin'.

political news from the future!

2008-09-28T13:12:00.011-05:00

December 2nd 2010, Washington -

the state of the union collapsed today when 2008's election gamble blew up in the face of American vote-vestors as President John McCain died of natural causes. vote-vestors, the constituent stake-holders in the American Government-Markets 2008 power sharing agreement, install elected officials by political betting on securitized political contracts.

in November 2008 American-American John McCain defeated African-American contender Barack Obama after the political markets valued the former's MBS (McCain Backed Security) products higher than the latter's COONs (Change/Obama Obligatory Notes). although the demand for COONs had originially dominated early in the race political experts concluded that "hope [could not be] accurately valued" as there was "too much speculation" involved. this resulted in a substantial trade flow from Obama's notes to McCain Backed Securities, contracts based upon that candidate's "readiness to lead" and "number of years as a prisoner" indices.

implicit in these complex derivatives was a fundamental assumption that McCain's age would continue to increase over the years and that with this growth so would the value of his securities. not surprisingly vote-vestors were in a state of shock today when reports emerged that the president's age had suddenly stopped because he was dead. this "completely unexpected development" led to panic in the government-markets as experts tried to figure out the extent to which MBS's were mis-priced by poking at President McCain's lifeless body.

"this is just the beginning!" warned Emperor Paulson, "MBS's are now completely illiquid but the real time-bomb lies in the product that was used to hedge McCain." Paulson was referring to the SPIFI (Sarah Palin Investment Fund Index) product, originally promoted by the GOP as having "small town values" which are currently plummeting and threaten the entire economy. "but if you give me 700 million trillion billion dollars," added Paulson, "i will buy all of Sarah Palin at bone-to-maturity values."

as the chaos ensued today, still alive Cuban ex-President Castro offered to send aid, while Senator Hillary Clinton was seen dodging sniper fire. Barack Obama could not be reached for comment but was last seen on the subway asking for change and mumbling about "the ramifications of non-regulation of democracy".

headlines

2008-09-20T16:52:00.003-05:00

politicians take time off from reach-arounds to engage in much-needed finger pointing.

mccain and palin's menstrual cycles now in sync, campaign official says.

emotional lehman brother accuses George Bush of "[not caring] about white people" on national tv.

bin laden "furious" that he could not wreak as much havoc on american economy as "[the Great Satan] did on her own"; vows to incorporate MBA program into terrorist training.

iraqi politics of late

2008-09-11T14:33:00.003-05:00

i'm no absolutist politician chanting "the surge worked"; my interpretation of reports is that the increased troop numbers definitely helped to increase security in Iraq when coupled with some serendipitous other happenings: on the Shiite side was Al-Sadr's cease-fire, on the Sunni side was the Anbar Awakening (sons of Iraq etc). the question of fragility of this particular order could potentially be raised... on one hand some are on the Americans' payroll and loyalty that is bought can be sold, on the other hand the Iraqis have probably been burnt a bit from the violent excesses of al-Qaeda. the Iraqis do seem to be stepping up; joint militia efforts are providing security in addition to that provided by increased American troop levels.

the really interesting thing to me however are the rumors of a covert assassination program using better monitoring and coordinating practices on the ground to track and kill off al-Qaeda members. this is the best thing i have heard in weeks. if you're tackling terrorist networks you must absolutely and resolutely wipe out their principals, while of course simultaneously tackling their principles through moral overtures and nation/economy building. i still don't understand why they invaded Iraq (the human costs are too high, and it just seemed like a misguided military move in the first place, with oil motives as well); targeted assassinations should have been the military approach to terrorism in general, in afghanistan, pakistan, saudi arabia and wherever else terrorist cells found safe haven. if only there was more information about this.

i am not a terrorist by the way. you can tell me what your plans are general petraeus.

versus verses: where my drugs at

2008-09-05T11:51:00.003-05:00

my rhymes make MC's choke,
like cyphers in weed smoke /
wrote the words on some papers
that was rolled into these tokes /
i rip a double entendre,
maybe triple innuendo /
fiends trip anticipatin'
while i triple beam this endo /
scale a ton of rhymes
but pack it tight like a dame's cunt /
you take it once or twice,
'll leave you higher than james blunt /

me name

2008-08-29T19:21:00.003-05:00

marc
(variation of Marcus)

"As a masculine given name, Marcus or Markus is of Ancient Roman pre-Christian origin referring to the mythological figure Mars. Because Mars was identified as the Roman god of War, the name 'Marcus' can by extension be taken to refer to Ares in the Greek pantheon."

dominic

"Dominic is a male name. Translated from Latin it means 'of our lord' or 'belonging to God'. "

fernandes
(variation on fernando / ferdinand)

"[Fernando is] An Italian, Portuguese or Spanish given name equivalent to English Ferdinand, meaning "to be courageous"; adventurer."

i pronounce my first name the way the english would, with a silent R. i pronounce my last name like this: "fuh-nanz". say it that way and i will love you forever. my middle name i don't use and i'm not of the opinion that i "belong to God". of course, as a typical boy i like all the courageous adventurer and God of War stuff. =P

untitled work 2

2008-08-27T19:42:00.001-05:00

continued from untitled work...

closer... closer i got to the girl on the subway. the courage was welling within me, or maybe i was just happy to see her, who knows. but then a blinding flash of light. confusion. everything around me faded to black, i mean, African-American. quiet.

i awoke in a shady motel, the kind that would only exist in a movie inspired by a graphic novel about sensational yet shadowy goings-on in a den of urban decay. is-is this-this real-real?-? screeeeeeeeeeee!!!! ahhhh! feedback temporarily disabled me as my inner monologue resonated with the first person narration of the graphic novel i was apparently stuck in.

i adjusted to my surroundings. the frosty window's moonbeams fell across a ruffled bed in the corner of the room revealing a choppy satin ocean frozen in time. it wouldn't be frozen in temperature, because, like, global warming and shit. subtle reflections -barely perceptible slivers of light skimming off the glossy sheets- made out the shape of a woman's body. i hadn't much time. was she dead or asleep? i quickly checked the bathroom's medicine cabinet for condoms, deeply pondering on whether i would be checking for condoms if she were dead. "ain't the question," i heard my myself utter, as if adopting the cadences of a graphic novel's caricatured protagonist.

"what is the question then?"

the voice had come from the bed. a sultry voice piercing the quiet, as vivid as areolae on a summer day during National Magnifying Glass week and Breast Awareness month. a memory stirred. i forget which one. i asked her name and a list of 20 things that turned women on. she moved out from under the sheets revealing the embellished cartoon body of a comic book heroine. my eyes focused. my breath drew in abruptly. she *was* some sort of cartoon comic book heroine!

little did i know i had been preparing for this moment all my life. ever since the advent of moving pictures all manner of men have had to personally confront that most profound of philosophical conundrums... "would you hit it if it were a cartoon?"

[tune in next time for the continuation]

the word on Wall Street

2008-08-24T17:36:00.005-05:00

even this rap shit's a grown man business
you'll take your rhymes to a piggy bank if the crowd lose interest
but when my money rise up the feds intervene
with their warrant-less wiretaps and red laser beams
money wanted to fire back but money was wise to that
paintin us as targets for making black markets...
ridiculous charges, trumped like subprime mortgage
in the projects least we got no slum rhyme shortage,
all that garbage you design as your markets decline
your wealth stands corrected so you want piece of mine?
haha. i laugh cuz i'm highly stressed ragin off these IRS agents.
i just want peace of mind.

word is bonds son,
my money's in inequities,
go get chinatown to sponsor your treasuries, nigga.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY WU TANG FINANCIAL

skydiving

2008-07-27T06:44:00.000-05:00

physicist solves aussie-feline-pope mystery

2008-07-19T14:25:00.006-05:00

rumors of vatican-feline intrigue have filled the media recently. as reported in the Associated Press:

"Organizers of the Catholic youth festival in Sydney say they borrowed a gray cat named Bella to help the feline-loving pontiff pass the time at his retreat in Australia...

...But Vatican spokesman the Rev. Federico Lombardi, pressed by reporters, said he has no knowledge of any cat."

however an obscure scientist ended years of seclusion after realizing he had the key to the mystery: in reality, the pope was given Schrodinger's cat. the scientist, an expert in both physics and troglodytism, endured several minutes of social neuralgia to hold a press conference where he took questions about his discovery.

the peculiar application of quantum theory has since stimulated intense discussion on the internet fueling speculation that quantum forces have been at work in political intrigue for decades. when asked about this possibility whitehouse spokesperson Connie Founder would neither confirm nor deny.

when not asked his opinion on the matter of the pope black self-elected leader Rev. Jesse Jackson whispered furtively to the person next to him: "i don't know what all the fuss is about the pope. either he got the pussy or he didn't." the reverend then made the illustrative gesture of a pelvic thrust to emphasize his point.

deep throughts: money & sports

2008-07-13T15:36:00.005-05:00

sometimes i like to hoard money and i appreciate when society acknowledges this. so when you see me rolling through with my crew of stingy, grasping misers feel free to holla at your niggards.

when i kick ball i like to make an entrance like those catholic players who make the sign of the cross while running onto the field. but i was catholic only til i was 14 and eventually became an atheist. so, to make my own entrance true i start my run onto the field making the sign of the cross, then i pause, furrowing my brows deep in thought, then i sigh and start running towards my team-mates while nodding gravely.

deep throughts: foiled again

2008-06-15T09:54:00.005-05:00

i don't know about you but i cannot stand three-pronged forks. at the family apt in jersey there was just one three-pronged fork that always ended up in my hand when i reached into the cutlery drawer. even when i deliberately looked at the forks and picked from the robust four-pronged crowd it somehow managed to slip in there, ruining my anticipation of the meal to come. when i left for my summer apt i said to myself, "never again!" no more anomalous cutlery. but alas i had spoken too soon. ALL the forks at my new apt were three pronged. ALL of them. in despair i would have hung myself if it wasn't for the triple-ended rope of which i could make no sense noose-wise.

sometimes when you're on the john you fantasize about being a magician. you remember seeing a guy whip out a table cloth from under precariously stacked sets of precious china and, *gasp* , inertia left you open-jawed. so naturally you project this fantasy into the act of obtaining an aptly sized length of double ply toilet paper. but you notice that the roll isn't the fat wad it used to be... the thinning layers of tp whisper warnings to you that inertia will not work, you should use both hands to calmly remove the length you require. you should, but you won't. because you know at heart that you are the mandrake of toilet paper acquisition. so you grab the right spot where the ideal tear would take place. confidence is peaking, anticipation has left you near but not at the edge of your seat because that would be gross. the moment has come. time slows down. you jerk the toilet paper in a way that only a ninja-janitor might... but something is wrong... there is no tear. the perforated line has held. you feel numb as the roll keeps spinning and block after block crashes to the floor with deafening silence, leaving a pile of ply, a testament to the completeness of your failure. the next day, at work or school or relevant social gathering, you tell no one.

dance dance revolution

2008-05-25T19:14:00.003-05:00

Viagra for the Soul

2008-05-22T18:53:00.008-05:00

do you suffer from free market anxiety? have the booms and busts of capitalism given you mood swings? be depressed no more! take control with STALINOL!

STALINOL provides powerful wartime and peacetime relief to various market democracy symptoms - rampant inequality, free speech, restless wealth syndrome. STALINOL's patented release technology rations just the right amount of cure you need to execute all your complaints.

side effects may include famine, purges, forced labor / menstrual cramps. if you have an election lasting longer than four hours, or any election at all, please see one of our agents as this may be a sign of serious complications.

STALINOL. apply directly to the process. STALINOL. apply directly to the process.

(may also be marketed as MARXIUM or COMMUNEX.)

headlines

2008-05-22T17:25:00.003-05:00

phallic imagery and over-compensation 'rampant in society' says area florist

headlines

2008-05-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

fully clothed streaker livens up nudist sports tournament

guerilla dub

2008-05-10T21:09:00.011-05:00

fyah-bun-a man who claim godname,
say me a burden, ah me him blame,
buil'-up him house right-pon dem same
graveyard him gallop-on without one shame,
build ship sail come-fi make man tame
weight-dice shake, play like dis-a game
ghetto-youth-life flush down them drain,
... dat-ah-why men blood will rain,
or shine, man ah oil up beretta,
quiet guns-dem pack tight inna sweater,
thru' ceasefire i, man a money-getta
but-a piece-fire time, aim bloody better.
gun shot buss, start riot hot steppa,
so many man get left 'pon stretcher
fun time sometimes (we still pussy-wetta) but,
war song, we will sing it forever.
never bother wid all dem lies cuz,
never care if dem ostracise us,
never praise babylon messiah,
'im a build babel on guns for hire,
tyrannical man, big empire,
tyrannosaur big, him expire,
asymmetrical make rich man tire,
'cause likkle youth dem start light fire.
still dem a throw plantation party,
pocket dem profit and floss dem car keys,
pay black water fi kill iraqis, but
jail black brudda fi sell three rock, please.
ghetto-youth see how deep dis farce is,
deeper-than slaves-drowned 'cross-the far seas,
... dat-ah-why man-about anarchy,
dash a fire 'pon sly monarchy.

[this track was written to a loop sample of the beat from M.I.A.'s "20 dollar" from her "Kala" album. it is meant for rapid delivery to contrast the slow beat.]

A pre-Apocalyptic Letter to Stephen Colbert

2008-05-05T18:49:00.002-05:00

Dear Stephen Colbert,

I am writing to you from the future, somewhere in the non-ruins of New York City. As to what actual day it is I am not sure; I don't see dates, I only see periods before or after the birth of Christ. I am sending this letter through a time-warp in the blog0sphere to warn you of great danger, Stephen, so that you may save the world.

America is in peril, Stephen. The details are sketchy. All we know is that at some point in our past a devastating epidemic of liberalism hit the American continent and rapidly destroyed the fabric of society. A few patriots survived the plague and assimilated into this society, quietly waiting for Jesus to rescue us. Alas, Stephen! It was not to be. The liberal germ produced such an indifference to righteousness that we are at war with nothing and The Rapture never took place! My grandparents called it the Armageddidn't. To prove it happened here is a picture of New York City not burning down.

At first we were hopeless. We didn't know what didn't cause the The Rapture because a lot of history was recorded in books and we burnt those to keep ourselves close to God. Eventually though fortune led us to find clues among the archival video recordings of an ancient manuscript called the YouTube. Stephen, WE DID IT! We found the cause of the Armageddidn't! Unfortunately, it was you.

We cross-referenced viral web clips of your show with our gut feelings and were able to pinpoint the origins of the epidemic. It seems that during the 2008 A.D. presidential race you brought several Democratic candidates onto your show, inadvertently giving them what scientists called the "Colbert bump." We have reason to believe that all of these politicians were pawns of the shadowy Bureau of Elitist Americans and Rich Persons Against Wrist Strength, sometimes referred to as NAMBLA in code talk.

One of these manchurian candidates will go on to become the President of the USA, spread the liberal virus and ultimately destroy America's chances to allow Jesus to return on a mushroom cloud of glory! I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but to save The Rapture we need to prevent your show from ever existing.

Dry those tears Stephen! Don't be sad. Think of it this way: because you're the cause of our eternal damnation, you're also our number one hope! Time travel technology has allowed us to send you this warning letter. We thought of writing you as a child in order to crush your dreams but the inter-temporal child protection laws wouldn't let our correspondence through. Anyway the hard part is over; the rest is simple.

Now that we have warned you all you have to do is build your own machine to go back in time and kill the man who sired your show. This man is very dangerous; he is the man with his hand up cable comedy's skirt, a Jew who would stop Jesus a second time just to keep his franchise running. Stephen, you must must kill Jon Stewart, before he ever gets to COMCENT.

Be warned! The future arm of the Bureau of Elitist Americans and Rich Persons Against Wrist Strength may presently be onto us, in the past. We have a gut feeling that the liberals have intercepted this message and sent back agents of death: probably mammals genetically engineered to terminate you so that you can't cause yourself to not exist. We don't know what those creatures look like; all we know is that they are godless killing machines. Some of them may be trained in the ninja arts and cover themselves entirely in race so as to be invisible to you.

Wait a second... What's that? Oh no! We may have been discovered. How did they sneak up on us? Those hybrid cars are so quiet! Quickly then... we must sign off. We have done our job. Now, Stephen, you must do yours. You can probably have an intern do it.

Good Luck.
And God Bless America!

Unborn Patriot

PS:
Stephen, there is a rumor going around that you were created by your own Formula 401 which we discovered in the future and accidentally sent back in time to Jon Stewart as a prank. In general we don't believe in time paradoxes; they are the riddles of Satan. However it may be the case that WE created YOU.

headlines

2008-05-01T01:08:00.003-05:00

violent video games bash critics for proliferating narcissism in society

practitioner of "i'll sleep when i'm dead" philosophy dies of sleep deprivation

dollar depreciation dampens the affluent's enthusiasm for rolling around in their money

deep throughts: child art

2008-04-30T17:55:00.007-05:00

why are people making such an uproar about the hannah montana chick on vanity fair? by expressing outrage those people are simply showing their regressive, repressive natures. what's the matter with a 15yr old child star artfully semi-nude? these conservative sex-haters just don't understand the creative tension required for true art. an artist must make virtual love with his subject, young or old. people take suggestive pictures of teenagers all the time. so conservatives, your agenda is vacuous! it's time to liberate the younger generation from old fashioned ways. let us lure our children away from america's puritan playground. they're so beautiful and curious and fragile and warm and deserving of our adoring eyes.

deep throughts: fighting terrorism

2008-04-11T16:32:00.007-05:00

in this age of terror i would fight fire with neither fire nor water; i would use something unexpected and random, like ritalin and staple removers. this would have the effect of making the terrorists fall into a super focused mood where they waste time obsessive-compulsively removing all the staples from their extremist literature pamphlets. of course, this could fail given the rise of disruptive technologies like staple-less pamphlets.

that said, there is some merit to the shock and awe approach. for example, i would pinpoint where the terrorists are hiding their jumbo jets then i would drop giant skyscrapers on top of them. imagine how demoralized they will be grappling with such irony before they are squashed: "good god, what is that falling from the sky above me? is that, an american high rise? jesus christ, is that bear stearns headquarters? i am so embarrassed. now i am dead." this strategy will probably cost less than iraq. if the budget allows we can fill the sky scrapers with subsidized pork, thus benefiting US pig farmers in the process.

Joe Gun VS Joe Control

2008-04-06T03:53:00.003-05:00

guy1: i don't know. i feel safer with a gun in my home.
guy2: well i for one think the gov't should control that shit.
guy1: but it's for my own personal protection! that should always be a right.
guy2: the gov't can't afford to have everyday folks packing heat all the time!
guy1: but i should be able to defend myself!
guy2: i for one won't feel safe with you packing. do you have a gun on you right now?
guy1: no. why?
guy2: cuz i'm bout to rob you bitch! what you got? a rolex. give it. take off them gators too man, this ain't the steve irwin special.

current affairs guru VS regular guru

2008-04-04T23:11:00.005-05:00

guy 1: hey man, did you hear about the troop movements toward the middle east?
guy 2: no i was busy learning about peace.
guy 1: like, peace in the world?
guy 2: no in us. in that part of us which is spiritual.
guy 1: what?
guy 2: you know what i'm talking about.
guy 1: i was talking about war in the real world.
guy 2: which is an illusion. i think only of ending the war within.
guy 1: nigga you live in the real word! this shit should concern you. what next, your body ain't real so you don't take showers? your smell ain't no illusion.

deep throughts: dolphin discrimination

2008-03-30T19:52:00.004-05:00

let's face it. we live in a world rampant with animal stereotypes. the average joe would be surprised to find out that dolphins hate to be thought of as cute and cuddly. dolphins usually tell me that just because one guy named flipper acted all human friendly on tv doesn't mean that all dolphins are that way. "flipper. the fuckin will smith of dolphins!" they bleep.

in actuality many dolphins are hard, often having grown up in rough ocean-hoods. some dolphins even kill baby dolphins and seals, just for fun. a lot of dolphins feel emasculated and hopeless in the face of such discrimination. "why aren't we called something cool like 'killer whales' huh? why do we have fag names like 'doll-fins'? so gay." said one disenfranchised ocean mammal named Sparky, working at sea-world.

i asked him why he worked at a place that served to reinforce the stereotypes created by humans. he only shrugged and said, "a phin has got to do what a phin has got to do. i got kids to feed." then he swam out and shot into the air, the smiling snout belying the unhappiness he felt inside, as he did what was necessary to appease his human sponsors.

deep throughts: hater-blockers

2008-03-18T18:30:00.004-05:00

man i love the club because i get to wear my hater-blockers. for all you haters out there, you probably have never seen me with my hater-blockers on because, not only do they identify and block out the haters from my vision, they also make me invisible to haters. scientists and shit say wearing frosted dark glasses in an under-lit environment just makes it "hard to see anybody". that doesn't make my point moot; it just means that science proves everyone be hating on me at the club. i love you, hater-blockers. you make me wanna wear several collared shirts and pop them all.

onion vid of the day

2008-03-12T03:32:00.001-05:00

Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards

captions

2008-03-05T20:18:00.004-05:00

horse fart-fire trick inadvertently ushers in the apocalypse

chinese military adopts verizon network

rock embargo fails to stop palestinian intifada

white democrat candidate tries to stoke race fears

white republican candidate also tries to stoke race fears

doing the crushed by furniture dance

2008-03-03T14:11:00.005-05:00

NSFW. this film contains nudity, sort of sexual content, and a scene of violence.

connect-the-dot happenings of the week

2008-03-01T19:31:00.007-05:00

1) mysterious network outages in middle east / asia
2) positioning of u.s. warship off lebanon
3) u.s. shooting down of a satellite in space
4) saudi warning to citizens to leave lebanon
5) george bush dancing in africa
6) israel promising a holocaust in palestine

you do the math. that timeshare in beirut is not worth what the travel agent said it was.

untitled work

2008-02-26T22:02:00.005-05:00

her glance fixed solidly upon me as if a neural tick had caused her eyes to stop moving exactly as she was looking my way. i became a tumult of red faced unease; the butterflies in my stomach beat their wings so ferociously i felt sickened. ashamed, i chided myself for eating nana's butterfly collection out of spite earlier that evening. the wretched bitch hadn't fed me in days; i had had no choice, for i had had a hunger not unlike that of a starving third world child who had never had anything his entire life except vicarious purpose through metaphorical reference. and just as the slum flies buzzed around his starving countenance, my heart buzzed at the prospect of an encounter with the beauty across from me.

her lips beckoned, poised suitably above her chin. her elbows were those of a goddess, affording a wider range of motion than would be possible without them. alas. her princess ears must have heard my adoration for my inner monologue was flowing audibly like my tourettes. fuck! ck. gg-gg. aaaaaaaaasssss! all was not lost. i noted to self to remember to tivo Lost that night, after making sweet love to that which i beheld before me. then, averting my eyes from my sweaty palms, i once again tried to meet her gaze. but it was not to be for hers was buried deeply in her book, which rested gently in the valley of her lap, where the pastures must have been as green as eden, not in a sea-of-evolving-micro-organisms sense because that would be gross. my stop was approaching.

[tune in next time for the continuation]

notice how economic trends take the shape of me smiling at some poor kids

2008-02-18T16:48:00.008-05:00

i skimmed over hillary's and barack's blueprints on economic issues. there's a lot more political speak than economic detail in both documents. that's how it works i suppose. one thing that mildly annoyed me however was that the former document had way too many pictures of the candidate for a blueprint on economic issues. if you've got pictures describing your position on the economy it better be fucking graphs. so minus a couple points of credence from you miss photo op.

q.o.t.d

2008-02-15T16:29:00.003-05:00

"If I had a Dollar for every time someone mentioned a recession, I’d convert them to Euros."
- Stephen Colbert, in response to a demand for well scripted comedy.

"At a minimum, a head of state should have a head."
-Vladimir Putin, in response to a Hillary Clinton quote that former KGB officers have no soul.

"Shit."
-Marc Fernandes, in response to Bloomberg's quote that the nation's economy was starting to look more and more like a third-world country.

bad ass driving

2008-02-04T02:02:00.000-05:00

the cops spun this guy TWICE and he continued driving. bad ass.

some people are not funny

2008-01-28T22:08:00.000-05:00

i mean, i'm no class clown... but i've been known to crack wisely. anyway last week i heard someone use "no pun intended" during a speech in which he used no pun. in fact i remember exchanging confused glances with other members of the audience at the misstep. in retrospect, as a socially awkward situation it was pretty funny. but back to topic: i can fathom someone not understanding the concept of, say, irony... but the pun? isn't that comedy 101?

it made me think; the universe is quite often a balance of opposites. just as there are comic geniuses with excellent delivery there must be others out there with perfect anti-timing. imagine someone with the ability to drop a punchline at the worst possible time... a hear-a-pin-drop singularity, if you will... a comic failure so colossal that time would physically stop and jesus christ would return saying, "jesus fucking christ that was awful!" that would be hilarious.

marc was last seen trying to ascertain whether finding hilarity in someone's systematic lack of humor constitutes irony.

what's the powerpoint of it all?

2008-01-27T02:51:00.000-05:00

at the start of the semester's first class in continuous time finance the electricity went out. neither the students nor the instructors were able to figure out how to get the lights back on. see, the room is so advanced the lights aren't controlled by switches. switches are for third world countries. here in the developed world we have to get an "engineer" to unlock a control room, and turn some knobs and get the lights on for us. then we spend another 15 minutes trying to get the computer, the projector and the screens to work. technology helps us learn.

joke

2008-01-16T00:21:00.000-05:00

two blind guys walk into a bar. the first one says, "ouch! i didn't see that bar there." the other replies, "me neither."