seraphim sayings from my novel to be

such is the power of its grasp, that one cannot escape the throes of despair merely through meta-cognition. tis will alone, in its purest form, that saves a soul from the deepest pit of melancholy. tis will alone that draws it through the stifling ash of tragedy to the free air above.

sayisms

give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and a bunch of feminists will complain about inequality.

a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single incident of domestic violence.

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush but nothing beats putting your tool in the tush.

a friend in need needs to pull himself up by his own god-damned bootstraps.

a picture is worth a thousand words, or 25 to life though she said she was 18.

a woman's work is never done. men are always hungry.

absence makes the heart grow fonder. abstinence makes the balls go blue.

all's fair in love and war. sorry about your std.

april showers bring may flowers, which we'll need for all those drowned in the accompanying floods.

some beats!

headlines

a UN delegate has proposed walkout practice to make leaving in disgust a more coordinated spectacle. "timing is everything!" said the delegate to AP news, "there's always that one guy who gets up too early, when the speaker is just warming up. sometimes we have a laugh at that but honestly this is the UN not amateur hour!"

"we also suffer the opposite problem," continued the delegate, "the slow pokes among us often fail to demonstrate their revulsion in time to prevent that one inevitable iota of substance from popping into the speech. it ruins the entire exit as it dampens the outrage we feel when the speaker has unleashed his second string of revolting statements about our actions in his third world country. ideally, we should be up and walking by the time it gets to be scathing or searing criticism."

deep throughts

as a manly man i don't think men should drink with anything less than a double-barreled straw. viggo mortensen probably drinks with those.

lil wayne should show his lyrical prowess again by coming up with more fecal concept metaphors about how he is "the shit". then he can laugh at how clever he is in his own song.

kanye west is like the interrupting cow knock knock joke, except gayer.

stream of consciousness: ... , ! ? ; ' *

my punctuation, marc'll punch your face in, pause /
pussies pacing, plus y'all paranoid because /
y'all push too far, played me hard so i launch attacks /
20 paces til i blaze these niggas on the tracks /
in many places, many faces fall, silent as my knights /
storm your castle, your rights are just, not worth my hassle /
i blast you, wage wars on ya cattle, herds topple like statues /
fight's over fast, long before the start of battle /
you expire like statutes, know your limitations, y'all /
imitation niggas claim the struggle of a black youth /
you lack truth, so imma attack you, i'm such the shit that /
when my niggas shot at, we say that life's a crap shoot <>

time waits for no man, tonnes on my fuckin mind /
pluck a trigger like a string, got a nigga duckin rhymes /
caref'ly wrapped this one joint in precious time, it's serious /
an mc's rap is on point, y'all niggas on your periods /
d-dot-dot, i buss shots, so you come to rest... /
lethal ellipsis on your chest, leaving you short of breath /
your shorties left, vegetative like a comatose patient /
life sentence: put on on hold by correct comma placement <>

*breathe*

we bring it loud like a beretta so you better run /
veterans with better guns, on and on, et cetera /
number one like Federer, why you start a racket? /
older gods at a hat'll, drop you hard from the bracket /
you lack it, the smooth operation of a criminal /
dash your hype when, hyphens crash your crew, into syllables /
you silly fools, your chords are no use, like umbilicals /
the ones that form a noose around the neckline of your physical /
my lyrics will, pierce your internals as you hold on /
for dear life: bleeding shit 'cause the semi buss your colon /
so cold on, autopsy metal tables where your bodies be /
i flow on, i own this, this's my apostrophe <>

headlines

* torso-less, armless hipster wearing t-shirt "ironically"

* serta researchers develop revolutionary "minority-friendly mattresses" to relieve ethnic unrest

* whistle-blower claims "post-lunch lethargy at UN headquarters significantly decreases number of UN pledges"; vacuousness of the pledges remains unaffected