political news from the future!

December 2nd 2010, Washington -

the state of the union collapsed today when 2008's election gamble blew up in the face of American vote-vestors as President John McCain died of natural causes. vote-vestors, the constituent stake-holders in the American Government-Markets 2008 power sharing agreement, install elected officials by political betting on securitized political contracts.

in November 2008 American-American John McCain defeated African-American contender Barack Obama after the political markets valued the former's MBS (McCain Backed Security) products higher than the latter's COONs (Change/Obama Obligatory Notes). although the demand for COONs had originially dominated early in the race political experts concluded that "hope [could not be] accurately valued" as there was "too much speculation" involved. this resulted in a substantial trade flow from Obama's notes to McCain Backed Securities, contracts based upon that candidate's "readiness to lead" and "number of years as a prisoner" indices.

implicit in these complex derivatives was a fundamental assumption that McCain's age would continue to increase over the years and that with this growth so would the value of his securities. not surprisingly vote-vestors were in a state of shock today when reports emerged that the president's age had suddenly stopped because he was dead. this "completely unexpected development" led to panic in the government-markets as experts tried to figure out the extent to which MBS's were mis-priced by poking at President McCain's lifeless body.

"this is just the beginning!" warned Emperor Paulson, "MBS's are now completely illiquid but the real time-bomb lies in the product that was used to hedge McCain." Paulson was referring to the SPIFI (Sarah Palin Investment Fund Index) product, originally promoted by the GOP as having "small town values" which are currently plummeting and threaten the entire economy. "but if you give me 700 million trillion billion dollars," added Paulson, "i will buy all of Sarah Palin at bone-to-maturity values."

as the chaos ensued today, still alive Cuban ex-President Castro offered to send aid, while Senator Hillary Clinton was seen dodging sniper fire. Barack Obama could not be reached for comment but was last seen on the subway asking for change and mumbling about "the ramifications of non-regulation of democracy".