political news from the future!

December 2nd 2010, Washington -

the state of the union collapsed today when 2008's election gamble blew up in the face of American vote-vestors as President John McCain died of natural causes. vote-vestors, the constituent stake-holders in the American Government-Markets 2008 power sharing agreement, install elected officials by political betting on securitized political contracts.

in November 2008 American-American John McCain defeated African-American contender Barack Obama after the political markets valued the former's MBS (McCain Backed Security) products higher than the latter's COONs (Change/Obama Obligatory Notes). although the demand for COONs had originially dominated early in the race political experts concluded that "hope [could not be] accurately valued" as there was "too much speculation" involved. this resulted in a substantial trade flow from Obama's notes to McCain Backed Securities, contracts based upon that candidate's "readiness to lead" and "number of years as a prisoner" indices.

implicit in these complex derivatives was a fundamental assumption that McCain's age would continue to increase over the years and that with this growth so would the value of his securities. not surprisingly vote-vestors were in a state of shock today when reports emerged that the president's age had suddenly stopped because he was dead. this "completely unexpected development" led to panic in the government-markets as experts tried to figure out the extent to which MBS's were mis-priced by poking at President McCain's lifeless body.

"this is just the beginning!" warned Emperor Paulson, "MBS's are now completely illiquid but the real time-bomb lies in the product that was used to hedge McCain." Paulson was referring to the SPIFI (Sarah Palin Investment Fund Index) product, originally promoted by the GOP as having "small town values" which are currently plummeting and threaten the entire economy. "but if you give me 700 million trillion billion dollars," added Paulson, "i will buy all of Sarah Palin at bone-to-maturity values."

as the chaos ensued today, still alive Cuban ex-President Castro offered to send aid, while Senator Hillary Clinton was seen dodging sniper fire. Barack Obama could not be reached for comment but was last seen on the subway asking for change and mumbling about "the ramifications of non-regulation of democracy".

headlines

politicians take time off from reach-arounds to engage in much-needed finger pointing.

mccain and palin's menstrual cycles now in sync, campaign official says.

emotional lehman brother accuses George Bush of "[not caring] about white people" on national tv.

bin laden "furious" that he could not wreak as much havoc on american economy as "[the Great Satan] did on her own"; vows to incorporate MBA program into terrorist training.

iraqi politics of late

i'm no absolutist politician chanting "the surge worked"; my interpretation of reports is that the increased troop numbers definitely helped to increase security in Iraq when coupled with some serendipitous other happenings: on the Shiite side was Al-Sadr's cease-fire, on the Sunni side was the Anbar Awakening (sons of Iraq etc). the question of fragility of this particular order could potentially be raised... on one hand some are on the Americans' payroll and loyalty that is bought can be sold, on the other hand the Iraqis have probably been burnt a bit from the violent excesses of al-Qaeda. the Iraqis do seem to be stepping up; joint militia efforts are providing security in addition to that provided by increased American troop levels.

the really interesting thing to me however are the rumors of a covert assassination program using better monitoring and coordinating practices on the ground to track and kill off al-Qaeda members. this is the best thing i have heard in weeks. if you're tackling terrorist networks you must absolutely and resolutely wipe out their principals, while of course simultaneously tackling their principles through moral overtures and nation/economy building. i still don't understand why they invaded Iraq (the human costs are too high, and it just seemed like a misguided military move in the first place, with oil motives as well); targeted assassinations should have been the military approach to terrorism in general, in afghanistan, pakistan, saudi arabia and wherever else terrorist cells found safe haven. if only there was more information about this.

i am not a terrorist by the way. you can tell me what your plans are general petraeus.

versus verses: where my drugs at

my rhymes make MC's choke,
like cyphers in weed smoke /
wrote the words on some papers
that was rolled into these tokes /
i rip a double entendre,
maybe triple innuendo /
fiends trip anticipatin'
while i triple beam this endo /
scale a ton of rhymes
but pack it tight like a dame's cunt /
you take it once or twice,
'll leave you higher than james blunt /