headlines

a UN delegate has proposed walkout practice to make leaving in disgust a more coordinated spectacle. "timing is everything!" said the delegate to AP news, "there's always that one guy who gets up too early, when the speaker is just warming up. sometimes we have a laugh at that but honestly this is the UN not amateur hour!"

"we also suffer the opposite problem," continued the delegate, "the slow pokes among us often fail to demonstrate their revulsion in time to prevent that one inevitable iota of substance from popping into the speech. it ruins the entire exit as it dampens the outrage we feel when the speaker has unleashed his second string of revolting statements about our actions in his third world country. ideally, we should be up and walking by the time it gets to be scathing or searing criticism."

deep throughts

as a manly man i don't think men should drink with anything less than a double-barreled straw. viggo mortensen probably drinks with those.

lil wayne should show his lyrical prowess again by coming up with more fecal concept metaphors about how he is "the shit". then he can laugh at how clever he is in his own song.

kanye west is like the interrupting cow knock knock joke, except gayer.

stream of consciousness: ... , ! ? ; ' *

my punctuation, marc'll punch your face in, pause /
pussies pacing, plus y'all paranoid because /
y'all push too far, played me hard so i launch attacks /
20 paces til i blaze these niggas on the tracks /
in many places, many faces fall, silent as my knights /
storm your castle, your rights are just, not worth my hassle /
i blast you, wage wars on ya cattle, herds topple like statues /
fight's over fast, long before the start of battle /
you expire like statutes, know your limitations, y'all /
imitation niggas claim the struggle of a black youth /
you lack truth, so imma attack you, i'm such the shit that /
when my niggas shot at, we say that life's a crap shoot <>

time waits for no man, tonnes on my fuckin mind /
pluck a trigger like a string, got a nigga duckin rhymes /
caref'ly wrapped this one joint in precious time, it's serious /
an mc's rap is on point, y'all niggas on your periods /
d-dot-dot, i buss shots, so you come to rest... /
lethal ellipsis on your chest, leaving you short of breath /
your shorties left, vegetative like a comatose patient /
life sentence: put on on hold by correct comma placement <>

*breathe*

we bring it loud like a beretta so you better run /
veterans with better guns, on and on, et cetera /
number one like Federer, why you start a racket? /
older gods at a hat'll, drop you hard from the bracket /
you lack it, the smooth operation of a criminal /
dash your hype when, hyphens crash your crew, into syllables /
you silly fools, your chords are no use, like umbilicals /
the ones that form a noose around the neckline of your physical /
my lyrics will, pierce your internals as you hold on /
for dear life: bleeding shit 'cause the semi buss your colon /
so cold on, autopsy metal tables where your bodies be /
i flow on, i own this, this's my apostrophe <>

headlines

* torso-less, armless hipster wearing t-shirt "ironically"

* serta researchers develop revolutionary "minority-friendly mattresses" to relieve ethnic unrest

* whistle-blower claims "post-lunch lethargy at UN headquarters significantly decreases number of UN pledges"; vacuousness of the pledges remains unaffected

Death Panels: Why I am Pro Choice!

I am more often than not pro-choice on the issue of fetus abortion. It occurred to me that, if fetuses have more intrinsic future value than old people, it would be intellectually untenable to be pro-life (anti-death-panel) with regard to the aged. Here I list some of the pro-choice arguments I found on the internet, as applied to abortion of old people.

* Nearly all abortions take place in the first trimester, when a fetus cannot exist independent of the mother. As it is attached by the placenta and umbilical cord, its health is dependent on her health, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside her womb.

Nearly all abortion take place on and after the 225th trimester, when an old person cannot exist independent of society. As it is attached by family means, social security and medicare funding, its health is dependent on society's wealth, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside society's umbrella of protection.

* The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs at conception, but fertilized eggs used for in vitro fertilization are also human lives and those not implanted are routinely thrown away. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs until death, and scientific studies have shown that nature routinely kills all humans that aren't dead by artificial means 100% of the time, no exceptions. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

* Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of women - 88% - who have an abortion do so in their first trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.5% risk of serious complications and do not affect a woman's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth.

Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of old people- 100% - who have an abortion do so in their last trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.0% risk of serious complications and do not affect an old person's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth, because he/she could not reproduce or survive anyway, and, furthermore, is now dead.

* Teenagers who become mothers have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave school; receive inadequate prenatal care; rely on public assistance to raise a child; develop health problems; or end up divorced.

Old people who become ill have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave life; receive inadequate geriatric care; rely on public assistance to raise themselves; develop even more health problems; or end up dead.

* Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome.

Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome, since the patients are now dead.