11.28.2008
religious fervor causes fatal stampede
tragedy almost soured the celebration of "Black Friday" as a servant at the Long Island temple of Mammon was crushed and killed by an onslaught of zealous worshipers. the 34-yr old martyr had barely opened the temple doors when surging throngs of believers trampled him in their frantic search for heavenly discounted blessings. as the unidentified victim lay gasping for air some in the crowd were drawn to tears, staring in disbelief at hastily emptied shelves, while others voiced their anguish at the horrific scene: "i've been waiting here since 2am and i still didn't get the Hannah Montana tampons my daughter prayed for!" said one Long Island matron. services will be held next weekend with prices further slashed to honor the fallen.
11.25.2008
area terrorist sympathetic over financial troubles
veteran guantanamo inmate hamza rafiq is toning down his anti-american vitriol "until american economy recovers". notorious for his unrelenting hatred of all things western -it is rumored he could repeatedly gurgle "death to america!" underwater during enhanced interrogation techniques- rafiq announced his radical change of heart last friday.
MDF: "why are you softening your tone on jihad?"
HR: "the guards let me watch some fox news last week and i saw that credit crisis has really hurt america, even beyond my own dreams. allah be praised at first i was so happy! but i kept watching and, man, everyone on tv is, like, so stressed. i began maybe feel sorry for them. they're worried about jobs, they're worried about how pay medical bills next month, they're worried about kids' college tuition."
[shoots me a look of mild bewilderment.]
"they're so worried they vote for, how you say, hip-hop boogie-woogie american!"
MDF: "so does this mean you don't want to kill infidels anymore?"
HR: "also guards let me watch 30 rock which is abomination. i like alec the baldwin. he put liz the lemon in her place."
[adopts mocking tone]
""ooojh... i'm liz the lemon, i am soo quirky but also sexy. i make infidel jokes and inspire attractive woman be president"... but you ask good question. why i stop say "death to america"? this recession, it existential crisis for americans, look at markets... it, how you say uh, dynamic disequilibrium in english? this is fate... this is fate much worse than the death. i would not wish it on my worst enemy! not even on the greatest of satans!"
MDF: "wow. so i guess, while americans are going through a crisis of confidence, you are going through a crisis of... conscience?"
HR: "hhha. are you try make witty poignant banter for your report, mr reporter? i can make joke if you want. financial system... it crash because it like ponzi scheme. run by, how you say, the con men, so is indeed crisis of... confidence. hhha. it funny because is pun as well as true... that one kills in solitary. hhha hhha hhallalalalalallah."
[pauses to recover from islamic laughing fit]
"i kid too much. that help me pass time here... what i was saying... oh yes, i saw dow jones fall. faster than towers. mr fed paulson was on his knees even. looked like he was begging allah for mercy. i cannot kick an infidel when he is down like this. i'm sure scripture forbids it."
MDF: "interesting. so has this changed in anyway your interaction with the guards here?"
HR: "well, you know, i try understand what they go through. when i was boy in kabul there was no jobs. only fight the infidel soviets and play with goat... goat better friend than woman you know, always tight, like first time every time.... so i empathize with guards here. their home get a foreclosed. their 401k go bust. they have no goat. of course they angry. so i be nice to them. sometimes on bad day they come threat me say will shit on quran and i say "hey! it's ok... it's ok... it's gonna be ok..." and i try hug him but he punch me in face. but i look in eye and i know he appreciate it."
MDF: "maybe he thinks you're playing games with him. turning the tables on his despair."
HR: "i don't have table. i eat on floor over there.... that spot is dining room. only problem is right next to toilet, that other spot on floor there. guard laugh say "saddam, don't shit where you eat!" i no understand. i have small space. have to optimize."
MDF: "so do you think things will get better for america? you have an opinion on the crisis so you must be an expert. how can we fix it? and if we do, will you return to your jihad?"
HR: "i dunno. it look pretty bad. will take long time fix. they need fatwa on certain asset security, but they afraid much regulation, yes? maybe need some kind of clearinghouse on over-counter products and too, fix incentive structure... not reward unrealized future payoff with big bonus in present. see, i think about this problems. i have two minds of this. expert on bloomberg tv say "moral hazard" bad but i say if it moral why stop it? anyway, if that make things better. then i start jihad again. maybe i blow up new clearinghouse."
MDF: "other inmates say that this is all a facade. that you've just been worn down by torture and you just don't have the will anymore. is there anything that would convince you to keep fighting?"
HR: "maybe uh, more virgin. maybe 82 or 92. and goat."
MDF: "thank you for your time mr rafiq."
MDF: "why are you softening your tone on jihad?"
HR: "the guards let me watch some fox news last week and i saw that credit crisis has really hurt america, even beyond my own dreams. allah be praised at first i was so happy! but i kept watching and, man, everyone on tv is, like, so stressed. i began maybe feel sorry for them. they're worried about jobs, they're worried about how pay medical bills next month, they're worried about kids' college tuition."
[shoots me a look of mild bewilderment.]
"they're so worried they vote for, how you say, hip-hop boogie-woogie american!"
MDF: "so does this mean you don't want to kill infidels anymore?"
HR: "also guards let me watch 30 rock which is abomination. i like alec the baldwin. he put liz the lemon in her place."
[adopts mocking tone]
""ooojh... i'm liz the lemon, i am soo quirky but also sexy. i make infidel jokes and inspire attractive woman be president"... but you ask good question. why i stop say "death to america"? this recession, it existential crisis for americans, look at markets... it, how you say uh, dynamic disequilibrium in english? this is fate... this is fate much worse than the death. i would not wish it on my worst enemy! not even on the greatest of satans!"
MDF: "wow. so i guess, while americans are going through a crisis of confidence, you are going through a crisis of... conscience?"
HR: "hhha. are you try make witty poignant banter for your report, mr reporter? i can make joke if you want. financial system... it crash because it like ponzi scheme. run by, how you say, the con men, so is indeed crisis of... confidence. hhha. it funny because is pun as well as true... that one kills in solitary. hhha hhha hhallalalalalallah."
[pauses to recover from islamic laughing fit]
"i kid too much. that help me pass time here... what i was saying... oh yes, i saw dow jones fall. faster than towers. mr fed paulson was on his knees even. looked like he was begging allah for mercy. i cannot kick an infidel when he is down like this. i'm sure scripture forbids it."
MDF: "interesting. so has this changed in anyway your interaction with the guards here?"
HR: "well, you know, i try understand what they go through. when i was boy in kabul there was no jobs. only fight the infidel soviets and play with goat... goat better friend than woman you know, always tight, like first time every time.... so i empathize with guards here. their home get a foreclosed. their 401k go bust. they have no goat. of course they angry. so i be nice to them. sometimes on bad day they come threat me say will shit on quran and i say "hey! it's ok... it's ok... it's gonna be ok..." and i try hug him but he punch me in face. but i look in eye and i know he appreciate it."
MDF: "maybe he thinks you're playing games with him. turning the tables on his despair."
HR: "i don't have table. i eat on floor over there.... that spot is dining room. only problem is right next to toilet, that other spot on floor there. guard laugh say "saddam, don't shit where you eat!" i no understand. i have small space. have to optimize."
MDF: "so do you think things will get better for america? you have an opinion on the crisis so you must be an expert. how can we fix it? and if we do, will you return to your jihad?"
HR: "i dunno. it look pretty bad. will take long time fix. they need fatwa on certain asset security, but they afraid much regulation, yes? maybe need some kind of clearinghouse on over-counter products and too, fix incentive structure... not reward unrealized future payoff with big bonus in present. see, i think about this problems. i have two minds of this. expert on bloomberg tv say "moral hazard" bad but i say if it moral why stop it? anyway, if that make things better. then i start jihad again. maybe i blow up new clearinghouse."
MDF: "other inmates say that this is all a facade. that you've just been worn down by torture and you just don't have the will anymore. is there anything that would convince you to keep fighting?"
HR: "maybe uh, more virgin. maybe 82 or 92. and goat."
MDF: "thank you for your time mr rafiq."
11.15.2008
area longhorn's career ruined by facebook
excerpts from Houston Chronicle:
our kids are at risk! social networking lurks around every corner, its big lips salivating at the prospect of telling the world what our kids are thinking. keep your children offline! fight the social rot that is exposing our great nation to its moral rot!
No longer a member of the Texas football team, Buck Burnette serves as a lesson about being careful with material put on personal Web pages...
In the status update section of his Facebook page, Burnette posted, “All the hunters gather up, we have a nigger in the White House,” in reference to Obama’s becoming the first African-American elected to the presidency. Burnette said the comment was a text message he received from a friend and that he exercised bad judgment posting it on his page...
“That stuff will get you in trouble,” said Texas defensive end Brian Orakpo, a senior from Lamar High School. “Our main thing is to stay low-key and not put your business on the Internet where everybody can see.”...
Facebook, which made its debut in 2004, has more than 120 million active users, according to the Web site of the Palo Alto, Calif.-based company. “This day and age, they just live on that stuff,” Chizik said. “We just try and educate them on the evils of it.”
our kids are at risk! social networking lurks around every corner, its big lips salivating at the prospect of telling the world what our kids are thinking. keep your children offline! fight the social rot that is exposing our great nation to its moral rot!
11.04.2008
deep throughts
i'm the kind of guy who don't follow nobodys rule's, be they about grammar or society's idea of commitment in love and relationships. i'm a free spirit; when i have sex i want it No Strings Attached. this is the primary reason i don't fuck puppets.
when you think about it, you always find skeletons in the closet. so for all intents and purposes skeletons are queer. yet still modern movies don't accurately portray this.
i don't get that old joke about the two nuns taking a bath where one says "where's the soap?" and the other replies "it does. doesn't it?" here is my funnier version. two nuns are taking a bath. the first nun says, "where's the soap?" the second one replies, "in my vagina." haha, it's funny because it's true.
when you think about it, you always find skeletons in the closet. so for all intents and purposes skeletons are queer. yet still modern movies don't accurately portray this.
i don't get that old joke about the two nuns taking a bath where one says "where's the soap?" and the other replies "it does. doesn't it?" here is my funnier version. two nuns are taking a bath. the first nun says, "where's the soap?" the second one replies, "in my vagina." haha, it's funny because it's true.
11.03.2008
the first commandment
dogma is almost always an unfortunate thing. i say almost always because 1) adherence to the dogma of human survival is what allows us to have this discussion in the first place and 2) there possibly exists a dogma of being non-dogmatic that would disprove an absolutist view of dogma anyway.
the tragedy that unfolds in human discourse is that critics of one dogma usually possess some other strict set of prescriptive beliefs and those that are non-dogmatic are usually less vocal and thus less effective in shaping the discourse. discourse is then reduced to often impractical dichotomies and society is left subject to the pendulous whims of the resultant power struggle.
who is right? who is wrong? are there any absolutes we can use as self-evident frames of reference? it is hard enough to find absolutes in the process of observation in the physical universe so it will be even harder to find such absolutes in the realm of moral prescription for thinking/reactive self-interested human agents. (my opinion: morality-based-existence has become an intractable optimization problem given the size of earth's human population and finiteness of resources technologically available to us. translation: "every man for himself, unless we find a way to harness illimitable energy and sustenance without harming others.")
i will propose though that in the midst of our uncertainty we use as our basic self-evident truth the tautology i introduced earlier. human beings can only carry on this discussion if we continue to survive. this is common sense but we need to be reminded of it. all attempted codification of morals must positively feedback into long term human survival if we are to come up with solutions to the problems we face.
the tragedy that unfolds in human discourse is that critics of one dogma usually possess some other strict set of prescriptive beliefs and those that are non-dogmatic are usually less vocal and thus less effective in shaping the discourse. discourse is then reduced to often impractical dichotomies and society is left subject to the pendulous whims of the resultant power struggle.
who is right? who is wrong? are there any absolutes we can use as self-evident frames of reference? it is hard enough to find absolutes in the process of observation in the physical universe so it will be even harder to find such absolutes in the realm of moral prescription for thinking/reactive self-interested human agents. (my opinion: morality-based-existence has become an intractable optimization problem given the size of earth's human population and finiteness of resources technologically available to us. translation: "every man for himself, unless we find a way to harness illimitable energy and sustenance without harming others.")
i will propose though that in the midst of our uncertainty we use as our basic self-evident truth the tautology i introduced earlier. human beings can only carry on this discussion if we continue to survive. this is common sense but we need to be reminded of it. all attempted codification of morals must positively feedback into long term human survival if we are to come up with solutions to the problems we face.
election headlines
"[fox] reports, [viewers] decide" web page shows
McCain tells John the Banker he would like to "concentrate the wealth" around
area man's thoughts about election interrupted by Salma Hayek's enormous breasts
Salma Hayek's breasts bigger than ever, google search reveals
area office worker's Alt-Tab escape manoeuvre backfires as no non-porn windows open at the time
McCain tells John the Banker he would like to "concentrate the wealth" around
area man's thoughts about election interrupted by Salma Hayek's enormous breasts
Salma Hayek's breasts bigger than ever, google search reveals
area office worker's Alt-Tab escape manoeuvre backfires as no non-porn windows open at the time
11.01.2008
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