religious fervor causes fatal stampede

tragedy almost soured the celebration of "Black Friday" as a servant at the Long Island temple of Mammon was crushed and killed by an onslaught of zealous worshipers. the 34-yr old martyr had barely opened the temple doors when surging throngs of believers trampled him in their frantic search for heavenly discounted blessings. as the unidentified victim lay gasping for air some in the crowd were drawn to tears, staring in disbelief at hastily emptied shelves, while others voiced their anguish at the horrific scene: "i've been waiting here since 2am and i still didn't get the Hannah Montana tampons my daughter prayed for!" said one Long Island matron. services will be held next weekend with prices further slashed to honor the fallen.

area longhorn's career ruined by facebook

excerpts from Houston Chronicle:

No longer a member of the Texas football team, Buck Burnette serves as a lesson about being careful with material put on personal Web pages...

In the status update section of his Facebook page, Burnette posted, “All the hunters gather up, we have a nigger in the White House,” in reference to Obama’s becoming the first African-American elected to the presidency. Burnette said the comment was a text message he received from a friend and that he exercised bad judgment posting it on his page...

“That stuff will get you in trouble,” said Texas defensive end Brian Orakpo, a senior from Lamar High School. “Our main thing is to stay low-key and not put your business on the Internet where everybody can see.”...

Facebook, which made its debut in 2004, has more than 120 million active users, according to the Web site of the Palo Alto, Calif.-based company. “This day and age, they just live on that stuff,” Chizik said. “We just try and educate them on the evils of it.”

our kids are at risk! social networking lurks around every corner, its big lips salivating at the prospect of telling the world what our kids are thinking. keep your children offline! fight the social rot that is exposing our great nation to its moral rot!

physicist solves aussie-feline-pope mystery

rumors of vatican-feline intrigue have filled the media recently. as reported in the Associated Press:

"Organizers of the Catholic youth festival in Sydney say they borrowed a gray cat named Bella to help the feline-loving pontiff pass the time at his retreat in Australia...

...But Vatican spokesman the Rev. Federico Lombardi, pressed by reporters, said he has no knowledge of any cat."

however an obscure scientist ended years of seclusion after realizing he had the key to the mystery: in reality, the pope was given Schrodinger's cat. the scientist, an expert in both physics and troglodytism, endured several minutes of social neuralgia to hold a press conference where he took questions about his discovery.

the peculiar application of quantum theory has since stimulated intense discussion on the internet fueling speculation that quantum forces have been at work in political intrigue for decades. when asked about this possibility whitehouse spokesperson Connie Founder would neither confirm nor deny.

when not asked his opinion on the matter of the pope black self-elected leader Rev. Jesse Jackson whispered furtively to the person next to him: "i don't know what all the fuss is about the pope. either he got the pussy or he didn't." the reverend then made the illustrative gesture of a pelvic thrust to emphasize his point.