sayisms

give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and a bunch of feminists will complain about inequality.

a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single incident of domestic violence.

a friend in need needs to pull himself up by his own god-damned bootstraps.

absence makes the heart grow fonder. abstinence makes the balls go blue.

all's fair in love and war. sorry about your std.

april showers bring may flowers, which we'll need for the ensuing flood casualties.

headlines

a UN delegate has proposed walkout practice to make leaving in disgust a more coordinated spectacle. "timing is everything!" said the delegate to AP news, "there's always that one guy who gets up too early, when the speaker is just warming up. sometimes we have a laugh at that but honestly this is the UN not amateur hour!"

"we also suffer the opposite problem," continued the delegate, "the slow pokes among us often fail to demonstrate their revulsion in time to prevent that one inevitable iota of substance from popping into the speech. it ruins the entire exit as it dampens the outrage we feel when the speaker has unleashed his second string of revolting statements about our actions in his third world country. ideally, we should be up and walking by the time it gets to be scathing or searing criticism."

deep throughts

as a manly man i don't think men should drink with anything less than a double-barreled straw. viggo mortensen probably drinks with those.

lil wayne should show his lyrical prowess again by coming up with more fecal concept metaphors about how he is "the shit". then he can laugh at how clever he is in his own song.

kanye west is like the interrupting cow knock knock joke, except gayer.

headlines

* torso-less, armless hipster wearing t-shirt "ironically"

* serta researchers develop revolutionary "minority-friendly mattresses" to relieve ethnic unrest

* whistle-blower claims "post-lunch lethargy at UN headquarters significantly decreases number of UN pledges"; vacuousness of the pledges remains unaffected

Death Panels: Why I am Pro Choice!

I am more often than not pro-choice on the issue of fetus abortion. It occurred to me that, if fetuses have more intrinsic future value than old people, it would be intellectually untenable to be pro-life (anti-death-panel) with regard to the aged. Here I list some of the pro-choice arguments I found on the internet, as applied to abortion of old people.

* Nearly all abortions take place in the first trimester, when a fetus cannot exist independent of the mother. As it is attached by the placenta and umbilical cord, its health is dependent on her health, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside her womb.

Nearly all abortion take place on and after the 225th trimester, when an old person cannot exist independent of society. As it is attached by family means, social security and medicare funding, its health is dependent on society's wealth, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside society's umbrella of protection.

* The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs at conception, but fertilized eggs used for in vitro fertilization are also human lives and those not implanted are routinely thrown away. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs until death, and scientific studies have shown that nature routinely kills all humans that aren't dead by artificial means 100% of the time, no exceptions. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

* Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of women - 88% - who have an abortion do so in their first trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.5% risk of serious complications and do not affect a woman's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth.

Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of old people- 100% - who have an abortion do so in their last trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.0% risk of serious complications and do not affect an old person's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth, because he/she could not reproduce or survive anyway, and, furthermore, is now dead.

* Teenagers who become mothers have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave school; receive inadequate prenatal care; rely on public assistance to raise a child; develop health problems; or end up divorced.

Old people who become ill have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave life; receive inadequate geriatric care; rely on public assistance to raise themselves; develop even more health problems; or end up dead.

* Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome.

Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome, since the patients are now dead.

headlines

area addict worried about the effects of rehabilitation on her crack-baby
/
area student one-ups resumes-padders: founds the National Association of Associations
/
area man mildly regrets decision to continue chewing gum while taking a shower
/

headlines

a princeton sociology study has corroborated the existence of anti-knowledge culture in the hip hop industry. aptly titled "MCs act like they don't know" after the seminal KRS-One track, the report showed the results of a questionnaire that was carefully crafted to reflect the realities of urban life, of which, researchers assumed, the rapper recipients should be fully aware.

much to the authors' surprise, a mere 5% of recipients responded to the survey and of those received most entailed abstractions, obfuscations and quite often insinuations that the authors' wives and mothers were sleeping with the survey recipients.

"not a single response contained the answers we sought about life in the inner city," said study author Bob Wuthnow, "even though these rappers have, through their hip hop music, demonstrated specialized knowledge of several urban topics, from ghetto linguistics to allah's mathematics. at first, i thought that our survey had been sabotaged by a rival journal with whom we've had beef for quite some time now, but follow up calls to survey recipients confirmed nagging suspicions that most of the MCs were simply inclined to feign ignorance."

headlines

black entrepreneurs invent side-sighted firearms; citing "paucity of supply catering to minority gangsta market"

area student inhales radioactive, genetically enhanced weed smoke; develops ability to finish all his roommate's remaining cereal in one go

aging rapper krs-one succumbs to alzheimer's, answers "the MC" to every question asked of him

area hip-hop stars clarify the aberrance of their actions

the practice of rap clarification began towards the end of the popular R&B track "ignition" when singer R. Kelly made it unquestionably clear that even though he wouldn't usually do that his sound engineer could just this one time, for the benefit of the fawning listening public, break us off a little piece of the remix to the aforementioned track. continuing with this trend of hip-hop disclaimers, rap mogul Jay-Z proceeded to light up a joint to mellow out at the end of his shit on the track "do you wanna ride" after explicitly assuring the listener that his actions were also not in keeping with what he would usually do.

headlines

a "genocidal" increase in abortions 10-15 years ago may be responsible for the substantial decrease in the number of children molested by priests, vatican report shows //

conmen "livid with rage" after alleged ponzi scheme turns out to be a sound investment //

jim cramer puts jon stewart in the hot seat for "talking up books" on his show even thought stewart knew the authors were "[boring as fuck] intellectual scoundrels" //

headlines

gordon brown says US-UK bond "unbreakable"; US and UK bonds however still intrinsically worthless

hooker with a heart of gold succumbs to heavy metal poisoning

r&b crooner chris brown calls 911 after girlfriend rihanna allegedly assaults him with a rendition of "umbrella"

headlines

quarterly results show that the nascent food rental business is failing

traders speak out: "government absolutely horrible at managing" the toxic financial assets produced by banks

rudeboys sue elementary schools for unsanctioned use of the numbers 38 and 45

celebrity nipple slip caught on camera during surgery for late stage breast cancer

headlines

in a snarky response to the sole disruption of his lecture at Cambridge University, Chinese premier Wen Jiabao threw a shoe factory at an unruly protester. the ensuing opprobrium could be heard all the way to the T4 movie set where it distracted actor Christian Bale, who then beat a hapless cast member to death with his penis.

deep throughts

people always say "all you need is love!" but sometimes i need other things, like a hole punch, or some twine. this goes to show that people are not in touch with reality.

career options

economy and work permission issues considered, there may need to be changes to my career plans. here are my initial search results:

1) patriarchitect:

• role requires at least one testicle. familiarity with female subjection as well as objectification a plus.
  

2) lead tester/ chinese toy licker:

• position requires tongue, currently working immune system. does not include medical benefits.
  

3) professional sadist:

• positions include the barbwire twist, the wheelbarrow, the lizard lock.

4) economist:

• role requires strong opinions about stuff, inability to get into math phd program.

deep throughts: christmas

some people say "it's not the gift, it's the thought." but i say both the gift AND the thought should be worth something. that's why, honey, this christmas i'm gonna get you that abortion.

the mainstream media made fun of sarah palin for shooting moose from a helicopter, as if hunting from a helicopter is strange. what they didn't realize was that it made COMPLETE sense because she was actually hunting reindeer.

i think society should be consistent when re-dedicating holidays. christmas to xmas. indian arrival day to arrival day. hanukkah to jews-are-the-cause-of-all-wars.

religious fervor causes fatal stampede

tragedy almost soured the celebration of "Black Friday" as a servant at the Long Island temple of Mammon was crushed and killed by an onslaught of zealous worshipers. the 34-yr old martyr had barely opened the temple doors when surging throngs of believers trampled him in their frantic search for heavenly discounted blessings. as the unidentified victim lay gasping for air some in the crowd were drawn to tears, staring in disbelief at hastily emptied shelves, while others voiced their anguish at the horrific scene: "i've been waiting here since 2am and i still didn't get the Hannah Montana tampons my daughter prayed for!" said one Long Island matron. services will be held next weekend with prices further slashed to honor the fallen.

area terrorist sympathetic over financial troubles

veteran guantanamo inmate hamza rafiq is toning down his anti-american vitriol "until american economy recovers". notorious for his unrelenting hatred of all things western -it is rumored he could repeatedly gurgle "death to america!" underwater during enhanced interrogation techniques- rafiq announced his radical change of heart last friday.

MDF: "why are you softening your tone on jihad?"

HR: "the guards let me watch some fox news last week and i saw that credit crisis has really hurt america, even beyond my own dreams. allah be praised at first i was so happy! but i kept watching and, man, everyone on tv is, like, so stressed. i began maybe feel sorry for them. they're worried about jobs, they're worried about how pay medical bills next month, they're worried about kids' college tuition."

[shoots me a look of mild bewilderment.]

"they're so worried they vote for, how you say, hip-hop boogie-woogie american!"

MDF: "so does this mean you don't want to kill infidels anymore?"

HR: "also guards let me watch 30 rock which is abomination. i like alec the baldwin. he put liz the lemon in her place."

[adopts mocking tone]

""ooojh... i'm liz the lemon, i am soo quirky but also sexy. i make infidel jokes and inspire attractive woman be president"... but you ask good question. why i stop say "death to america"? this recession, it existential crisis for americans, look at markets... it, how you say uh, dynamic disequilibrium in english? this is fate... this is fate much worse than the death. i would not wish it on my worst enemy! not even on the greatest of satans!"

MDF: "wow. so i guess, while americans are going through a crisis of confidence, you are going through a crisis of... conscience?"

HR: "hhha. are you try make witty poignant banter for your report, mr reporter? i can make joke if you want. financial system... it crash because it like ponzi scheme. run by, how you say, the con men, so is indeed crisis of... confidence. hhha. it funny because is pun as well as true... that one kills in solitary. hhha hhha hhallalalalalallah."

[pauses to recover from islamic laughing fit]

"i kid too much. that help me pass time here... what i was saying... oh yes, i saw dow jones fall. faster than towers. mr fed paulson was on his knees even. looked like he was begging allah for mercy. i cannot kick an infidel when he is down like this. i'm sure scripture forbids it."

MDF: "interesting. so has this changed in anyway your interaction with the guards here?"

HR: "well, you know, i try understand what they go through. when i was boy in kabul there was no jobs. only fight the infidel soviets and play with goat... goat better friend than woman you know, always tight, like first time every time.... so i empathize with guards here. their home get a foreclosed. their 401k go bust. they have no goat. of course they angry. so i be nice to them. sometimes on bad day they come threat me say will shit on quran and i say "hey! it's ok... it's ok... it's gonna be ok..." and i try hug him but he punch me in face. but i look in eye and i know he appreciate it."

MDF: "maybe he thinks you're playing games with him. turning the tables on his despair."

HR: "i don't have table. i eat on floor over there.... that spot is dining room. only problem is right next to toilet, that other spot on floor there. guard laugh say "saddam, don't shit where you eat!" i no understand. i have small space. have to optimize."

MDF: "so do you think things will get better for america? you have an opinion on the crisis so you must be an expert. how can we fix it? and if we do, will you return to your jihad?"

HR: "i dunno. it look pretty bad. will take long time fix. they need fatwa on certain asset security, but they afraid much regulation, yes? maybe need some kind of clearinghouse on over-counter products and too, fix incentive structure... not reward unrealized future payoff with big bonus in present. see, i think about this problems. i have two minds of this. expert on bloomberg tv say "moral hazard" bad but i say if it moral why stop it? anyway, if that make things better. then i start jihad again. maybe i blow up new clearinghouse."

MDF: "other inmates say that this is all a facade. that you've just been worn down by torture and you just don't have the will anymore. is there anything that would convince you to keep fighting?"

HR: "maybe uh, more virgin. maybe 82 or 92. and goat."

MDF: "thank you for your time mr rafiq."

deep throughts

i'm the kind of guy who don't follow nobodys rule's, be they about grammar or society's idea of commitment in love and relationships. i'm a free spirit; when i have sex i want it No Strings Attached. this is the primary reason i don't fuck puppets.

when you think about it, you always find skeletons in the closet. so for all intents and purposes skeletons are queer. yet still modern movies don't accurately portray this.

i don't get that old joke about the two nuns taking a bath where one says "where's the soap?" and the other replies "it does. doesn't it?" here is my funnier version. two nuns are taking a bath. the first nun says, "where's the soap?" the second one replies, "in my vagina." haha, it's funny because it's true.

election headlines

"[fox] reports, [viewers] decide" web page shows

McCain tells John the Banker he would like to "concentrate the wealth" around

area man's thoughts about election interrupted by Salma Hayek's enormous breasts

Salma Hayek's breasts bigger than ever, google search reveals

area office worker's Alt-Tab escape manoeuvre backfires as no non-porn windows open at the time