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area rapper consults timepiece, tells those niggas what time it is;

area penis passes out, wakes up with guy drawn on his head; completely oblivious

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recent studies show that crybabies are indirectly beneficial to society through blubbering self-identification, thus aiding in their preclusion from positions of leadership...

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a "genocidal" increase in abortions 10-15 years ago may be responsible for the substantial decrease in the number of children molested by priests, vatican report shows //

conmen "livid with rage" after alleged ponzi scheme turns out to be a sound investment //

jim cramer puts jon stewart in the hot seat for "talking up books" on his show even thought stewart knew the authors were "[boring as fuck] intellectual scoundrels" //

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gordon brown says US-UK bond "unbreakable"; US and UK bonds however still intrinsically worthless

hooker with a heart of gold succumbs to heavy metal poisoning

r&b crooner chris brown calls 911 after girlfriend rihanna allegedly assaults him with a rendition of "umbrella"

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quarterly results show that the nascent food rental business is failing

traders speak out: "government absolutely horrible at managing" the toxic financial assets produced by banks

rudeboys sue elementary schools for unsanctioned use of the numbers 38 and 45

celebrity nipple slip caught on camera during surgery for late stage breast cancer

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Madoff financial scandal proves once again that Jews are good at building pyramids

Markets continue to efficiently allocate social unrest across the global economy

Bull Shit Incorporated posted its first loss in 25 yrs on insider information that what it was selling was bullshit. the news also roiled shareholders at BSI's parent company, the world's largest fan-maker

Whores nationwide concerned about what rapid deflation would do to hourly wages

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president-elect obama's former janitor arrested for putting obama's office chair on ebay

contrary to stated intentions, pop star britney spears falls for womanizing bastard

christian bale to play elizabeth bennet in "darker, grimier" reboot of pride and prejudice

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politicians take time off from reach-arounds to engage in much-needed finger pointing.

mccain and palin's menstrual cycles now in sync, campaign official says.

emotional lehman brother accuses George Bush of "[not caring] about white people" on national tv.

bin laden "furious" that he could not wreak as much havoc on american economy as "[the Great Satan] did on her own"; vows to incorporate MBA program into terrorist training.

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phallic imagery and over-compensation 'rampant in society' says area florist

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fully clothed streaker livens up nudist sports tournament

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violent video games bash critics for proliferating narcissism in society

practitioner of "i'll sleep when i'm dead" philosophy dies of sleep deprivation

dollar depreciation dampens the affluent's enthusiasm for rolling around in their money

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area nerd feels slightly intellectually stimulated while jerking off over tina fey.

rudolph giuliani confesses to vandalism of hundreds of 711 signs before SC primary.

writer's strike remains unresolved. talk show hosts reportedly "not getting as much ass."

danny de vito given lifetime award "best celebrity pronunciation of the word 'whore'."

area nice guy's sensitivity "truly cherished" by cheating girlfriend.

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Pinkerton, CA - Federal authorities continue its gay immigrant crackdown arresting hundreds of illegal workers at a fudge-packing factory

Warnsworth, UK - Progress made as prostitute held for questioning in connection with the servicing of five local serial killers

Jeddah, SA - Investors disappointed as test run of 'Facebook Sharia' fails for no apparent reason in Saudi Arabia

Tel Aviv, Is - Very, very old Jew arrested for being an antique-semite

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1. San Francisco, CA - Flaming gay activist confesses to "tepid night" in motel abstaining with evangelical pastor

2. Washington, DC - Bush administration to implement "phased troop abandonment" in Iraq

3. Hotown, VA - Abortion clinic workers use wall of foetuses as human shield against pro-life lynch mob

4. Zion, עבריתville - Jews move israel to the moon; hamas develops space program

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1. catholic pope endangers followers by making inflammatory statements, again; hopes jesus will return before vatican is firebombed.

2. world bank lends 3rd world money to help pay off it's debt to the world bank

3. omnipotent god fails to save billions of human beings from suffering from simple scourges like malnutrition and mosquito-borne viruses; religious faith remains strong

4. some shit is blown up in the middle east; politicians rush to open thesauri at "appalled"

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1. prime minister continues to fulfill promise of "taking trinidad higher" by adding another 4 inches of paving asphalt to the nation's roads before every election

2. pop songstress follows up summer hit "promiscuous" with club banger "H to the Izzo I got the Vizzee"

3. after hours of deliberation UN security council kicked off of "Viable Diplomacy" reality show

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1. group of rapists found guilty of playing lacrosse at major university

2. google search algorithm becomes self aware, absconds with all recorded information

3. satan worried advances in science and evolutionary knowledge "stealing his thunder"

4. impressionable youth found unconscious in a hotel lobby, in the middle of an afterparty, allegedly, smelling of bacardi.