today's catholic news

church sanctioned researchers now say that evolution is not in discord with the postulates of catholicism. men may have evolved from monkeys but at some point "god infused man [with a] ...soul." probably some 6000 years ago. it is reported that god did in fact blow his "breath of the spirit" into man, instantaneously "enlightening [his complexion] and opening [widening] his eyes." when asked about the origin of women the church replied, "who?"

after some hurried consultation, cardinals in rome decided that god had made man with too many ribs and each man had to get rid of one or two. "there was a rib feast at which all men cast their surplus viscera-protectae" into a hot water spring in eden. apparently women may have evolved from this sea of cartilaginous tissue and bone. whether god infused women with souls the church researchers would not say. "it may have been that he tried to but perhaps he was out of breath at the time," said one cardinal. "what is certain is that satan himself designed the clitoris."