5.5 earthquake gets response of 9 on overreaction scale

an earthquake of magnitude 5.5-6 on the richter scale shook trinidad today for a few moments prompting mass overreaction of the populace. frenzied reports of structural damage circulated through media channels as the shaken masses recounted severe "rattling of kitchen utensils" and "breaking of [flower] pots" and other minor items. the quake's duration, as monitored by one indifferent MIT graduate - expert in earthquake-hysteria-satire - was a "few fucking seconds, you [dumb] bitches", though opinions amongst the emotional masses ranged from "several minutes" to "jesus is coming, jesus is coming!" the quake itself was composed of an initial shock followed by a lull allowing for persons to make the sign of the cross followed by a longer more powerful shock that led to mass condemnation of homosexuals, independent women and doubting thomases in society. several more aftershocks were reported as thousands of semi-evolved mammalian brains failed to quell their trembling with use of higher brain abilities such as decisive rationality. "oh my god! the earthquake knocked out the phone service!" said one human as she and half the country overloaded the network trying to call the 13th person she could think of to ask if he felt it too.