I am writing to you from the future, somewhere in the non-ruins of New York City. As to what actual day it is I am not sure; I don't see dates, I only see periods before or after the birth of Christ. I am sending this letter through a time-warp in the blog0sphere to warn you of great danger, Stephen, so that you may save the world.
America is in peril, Stephen. The details are sketchy. All we know is that at some point in our past a devastating epidemic of liberalism hit the American continent and rapidly destroyed the fabric of society. A few patriots survived the plague and assimilated into this society, quietly waiting for Jesus to rescue us. Alas, Stephen! It was not to be. The liberal germ produced such an indifference to righteousness that we are at war with nothing and The Rapture never took place! My grandparents called it the Armageddidn't. To prove it happened here is a picture of New York City not burning down.
At first we were hopeless. We didn't know what didn't cause the The Rapture because a lot of history was recorded in books and we burnt those to keep ourselves close to God. Eventually though fortune led us to find clues among the archival video recordings of an ancient manuscript called the YouTube. Stephen, WE DID IT! We found the cause of the Armageddidn't! Unfortunately, it was you.
We cross-referenced viral web clips of your show with our gut feelings and were able to pinpoint the origins of the epidemic. It seems that during the 2008 A.D. presidential race you brought several Democratic candidates onto your show, inadvertently giving them what scientists called the "Colbert bump." We have reason to believe that all of these politicians were pawns of the shadowy Bureau of Elitist Americans and Rich Persons Against Wrist Strength, sometimes referred to as NAMBLA in code talk.
One of these manchurian candidates will go on to become the President of the USA, spread the liberal virus and ultimately destroy America's chances to allow Jesus to return on a mushroom cloud of glory! I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but to save The Rapture we need to prevent your show from ever existing.
Dry those tears Stephen! Don't be sad. Think of it this way: because you're the cause of our eternal damnation, you're also our number one hope! Time travel technology has allowed us to send you this warning letter. We thought of writing you as a child in order to crush your dreams but the inter-temporal child protection laws wouldn't let our correspondence through. Anyway the hard part is over; the rest is simple.
Now that we have warned you all you have to do is build your own machine to go back in time and kill the man who sired your show. This man is very dangerous; he is the man with his hand up cable comedy's skirt, a Jew who would stop Jesus a second time just to keep his franchise running. Stephen, you must must kill Jon Stewart, before he ever gets to COMCENT.
Be warned! The future arm of the Bureau of Elitist Americans and Rich Persons Against Wrist Strength may presently be onto us, in the past. We have a gut feeling that the liberals have intercepted this message and sent back agents of death: probably mammals genetically engineered to terminate you so that you can't cause yourself to not exist. We don't know what those creatures look like; all we know is that they are godless killing machines. Some of them may be trained in the ninja arts and cover themselves entirely in race so as to be invisible to you.
Wait a second... What's that? Oh no! We may have been discovered. How did they sneak up on us? Those hybrid cars are so quiet! Quickly then... we must sign off. We have done our job. Now, Stephen, you must do yours. You can probably have an intern do it.
Good Luck.
And God Bless America!
Unborn Patriot
PS:
Stephen, there is a rumor going around that you were created by your own Formula 401 which we discovered in the future and accidentally sent back in time to Jon Stewart as a prank. In general we don't believe in time paradoxes; they are the riddles of Satan. However it may be the case that WE created YOU.
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