area terrorist sympathetic over financial troubles

veteran guantanamo inmate hamza rafiq is toning down his anti-american vitriol "until american economy recovers". notorious for his unrelenting hatred of all things western -it is rumored he could repeatedly gurgle "death to america!" underwater during enhanced interrogation techniques- rafiq announced his radical change of heart last friday.

MDF: "why are you softening your tone on jihad?"

HR: "the guards let me watch some fox news last week and i saw that credit crisis has really hurt america, even beyond my own dreams. allah be praised at first i was so happy! but i kept watching and, man, everyone on tv is, like, so stressed. i began maybe feel sorry for them. they're worried about jobs, they're worried about how pay medical bills next month, they're worried about kids' college tuition."

[shoots me a look of mild bewilderment.]

"they're so worried they vote for, how you say, hip-hop boogie-woogie american!"

MDF: "so does this mean you don't want to kill infidels anymore?"

HR: "also guards let me watch 30 rock which is abomination. i like alec the baldwin. he put liz the lemon in her place."

[adopts mocking tone]

""ooojh... i'm liz the lemon, i am soo quirky but also sexy. i make infidel jokes and inspire attractive woman be president"... but you ask good question. why i stop say "death to america"? this recession, it existential crisis for americans, look at markets... it, how you say uh, dynamic disequilibrium in english? this is fate... this is fate much worse than the death. i would not wish it on my worst enemy! not even on the greatest of satans!"

MDF: "wow. so i guess, while americans are going through a crisis of confidence, you are going through a crisis of... conscience?"

HR: "hhha. are you try make witty poignant banter for your report, mr reporter? i can make joke if you want. financial system... it crash because it like ponzi scheme. run by, how you say, the con men, so is indeed crisis of... confidence. hhha. it funny because is pun as well as true... that one kills in solitary. hhha hhha hhallalalalalallah."

[pauses to recover from islamic laughing fit]

"i kid too much. that help me pass time here... what i was saying... oh yes, i saw dow jones fall. faster than towers. mr fed paulson was on his knees even. looked like he was begging allah for mercy. i cannot kick an infidel when he is down like this. i'm sure scripture forbids it."

MDF: "interesting. so has this changed in anyway your interaction with the guards here?"

HR: "well, you know, i try understand what they go through. when i was boy in kabul there was no jobs. only fight the infidel soviets and play with goat... goat better friend than woman you know, always tight, like first time every time.... so i empathize with guards here. their home get a foreclosed. their 401k go bust. they have no goat. of course they angry. so i be nice to them. sometimes on bad day they come threat me say will shit on quran and i say "hey! it's ok... it's ok... it's gonna be ok..." and i try hug him but he punch me in face. but i look in eye and i know he appreciate it."

MDF: "maybe he thinks you're playing games with him. turning the tables on his despair."

HR: "i don't have table. i eat on floor over there.... that spot is dining room. only problem is right next to toilet, that other spot on floor there. guard laugh say "saddam, don't shit where you eat!" i no understand. i have small space. have to optimize."

MDF: "so do you think things will get better for america? you have an opinion on the crisis so you must be an expert. how can we fix it? and if we do, will you return to your jihad?"

HR: "i dunno. it look pretty bad. will take long time fix. they need fatwa on certain asset security, but they afraid much regulation, yes? maybe need some kind of clearinghouse on over-counter products and too, fix incentive structure... not reward unrealized future payoff with big bonus in present. see, i think about this problems. i have two minds of this. expert on bloomberg tv say "moral hazard" bad but i say if it moral why stop it? anyway, if that make things better. then i start jihad again. maybe i blow up new clearinghouse."

MDF: "other inmates say that this is all a facade. that you've just been worn down by torture and you just don't have the will anymore. is there anything that would convince you to keep fighting?"

HR: "maybe uh, more virgin. maybe 82 or 92. and goat."

MDF: "thank you for your time mr rafiq."