religious fervor causes fatal stampede

tragedy almost soured the celebration of "Black Friday" as a servant at the Long Island temple of Mammon was crushed and killed by an onslaught of zealous worshipers. the 34-yr old martyr had barely opened the temple doors when surging throngs of believers trampled him in their frantic search for heavenly discounted blessings. as the unidentified victim lay gasping for air some in the crowd were drawn to tears, staring in disbelief at hastily emptied shelves, while others voiced their anguish at the horrific scene: "i've been waiting here since 2am and i still didn't get the Hannah Montana tampons my daughter prayed for!" said one Long Island matron. services will be held next weekend with prices further slashed to honor the fallen.